* Stuff Things Are Made Of *

Golden Boy

2012-01-16T09:35:00.000-06:00

Sarah laughed when she was told she was going to have a baby: Isaac.

When I found out you were going to arrive just 12 months after your sister,

you can see why Isaak was such a good name.

Laughter.

What a wonderful name for you.

You make me laugh. You bring me joy.

You're my golden boy.

Happy golden 16th birthday, Isaak Gill!

I love you.

Inseparable . . . Kind Of

2012-01-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

14 months and 26 months

15 years 10 months and 16 years 10 months

Friday's Child is Loving and Giving

2012-01-13T07:18:00.000-06:00

Seventeen years ago today, it was also Friday the 13th.

And it was cold and snowing when she decided to make her way into the world.

All 6 pounds and 1 ounce of her at 7:18 am.

Mackenzie Nichole

What a great story you've lived in your seventeen years, Mackenzie.

I'm so privileged to be in it with you.

Happy 17th birthday beautiful girl!

Family

2011-11-29T12:46:00.001-06:00

Druggie

2011-09-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

Why is it that whenever I think about sitting down to write on this blog, I feel like I'm about to get a tooth pulled? It's been nearly a year since I've written about Kevin's health. After spending months--hours a week--devoted to writing about his illness, quitting was a way for me to say, "It's over!" But now it's time for me to update. We've run into people lately that haven't seen us for awhile and they say to Kevin, "So, you're all better, right?" Sigh.

It's been a year since Kevin started on two antibiotics. Over the course of the past twelve months, he has had his highs, lows, and plateaus. Living with him, I've had a difficult time determining day by day how he is. I can say, definitively, that he's better than he was last summer! But I can also say with assurance that he has not won this battle.

We took a family vacation to sunny Florida in May, at which time he went without antibiotics, having tapered off. He easily sunburns on the doxycycline. On our vacation, some of the most telling signs emerged: exhaustion, night sweats, leg twitches, and Bell's Palsy, to name a few. So, since then he has been medicated with a total of five antibiotics (yes, all at once) and an herbal protocol which we read about in a book, an anti-fungal, and probiotics. He takes a lot of pills several times a day--all those bottles in the picture.

Three weeks ago he met with his doctor, and she validated that he has certainly plateaued. She asked him how he felt and if he might need an anti-depressant, and as he began to tell her he was doing good emotionally and coping well, he broke down in tears. Anti-depressant has been added to the list. The doctor also advised going with the big gun (finally), which is rocephin by IV. He is starting his fourth week on this regimen. Once a week, a nurse comes to our house and puts in an IV, which Kevin keeps in for four days. Each day he plunges the syringe of rocephin in to his blood stream. It has it's own nasty set of side-effects. So far, we have nothing to report other than he's actually seemed worse--very tired and now having joint pain, which is a typical symptom of Lyme disease. He's also going to physical therapy for all the pain he has in his back.

So, why have I been avoiding writing this? Because it really sucks to have to see it in ink. The other day Isaak asked me, "So, do you think Dad will ever be better?" and I said, "I have to believe it. I have to have hope." Some moments, I forget he's sick. I love those moments. Sometimes I hear these niggling voices, "He's never going to be well. The old Kevin is gone." I hate those moments.

Writing last year was what I needed to do. When he started to get better, I withdrew into myself with my thoughts and fears. And honestly, I try not to think about it.

Please pray for Kevin. God can heal. I hope he has a reason for not healing. But I guess that's beside the point.

20 Years as Mrs. Elker

2011-06-22T16:23:00.006-05:00

Deeper and deeper every day . . . my love for you.
Loving you is still the perfect way to spend a lifetime. (Hallmark)

Dear Mr. Elker,

The past twenty years of this lifetime have gone by so quickly. I cannot imagine them without you, just as I cannot imagine the next twenty--or the rest of my lifetime apart from you.

Yours,
Mrs. Elker

My Daddy

2011-06-19T18:37:00.021-05:00

All these 40 years I’ve had a dad—my dad. I had never really thought about what it’s been like for my dad—until today. I have a son, who hopes to someday be a father. He’s 15 years old. I don’t imagine that he’ll be a daddy in 4 years. Yet, when I was born Dad was 19 years old.

How early does a boy learn to be a father? At what age is someone ready to be a dad—to take on the burden of supporting a family—of going each day to work, knowing that there are others depending on him? To go from donning his cap and gown, making a few bucks at the local grocery store to pay for his car and tickets to the drive-in movie, to find himself a few months later working that same job to pay for house rent, labor and delivery, and groceries and clothes for a teenaged wife and new baby.

There are some things you just take for granted, I guess. That your dad is strong, that he’ll protect you, that he’ll provide for you. You don’t think that your dad had to grow up pretty fast, that maybe he was frightened by the new role he'd chosen.

I don’t know if that’s how my young dad felt. I have my memories of what I felt—and what I didn’t feel. I felt safe with Dad—I take it for granted—but how many children have not had that? I knew he was strong and that he would protect me. I never doubted that he’d make sure we had what we needed physically—food, house, clothes. No worries there. He always came home—every night—we all ate together. I never wondered, “Is Dad coming home tonight?” Never. Rollercoasters—he always rode the rollercoasters with me at Adventure Land and Worlds of Fun. He was solid next to me—I was safe.

Other memories—Dad singing. His voice was strong and confident. How could I not feel safe when Dad was singing? It meant that he was having fun, expressing his love, or worshipping God. My Name is Michael, Love Grows Where my Monica (Rosemary) Goes, or Amazing Grace. I’m lying in my bed in the dark and he’s standing at the foot of it with the hall light putting him in shadow while he sings, “Kristi and LeRoy were sweethearts,” and I’m protesting with loud shrieks, “No!” and he’s enjoying every moment of my torment.

I’m brushing my teeth in the bathroom on a summer’s night and hear a horrible growling through the screen. And after he gets the satisfaction of my scream, he laughs his head off outside. How can this man make me feel safe?

His telling us stories, his reading books aloud, his dancing in the living room, his working on taxes, his filling up the gas tank--all these clear movies in my head—I didn’t realize until today that they’re images of safety for me.

I’ll never know what it’s like to a man—what it was like for my Dad to become a man—a husband and father when he was a teenager who’d lost his own father at sixteen. I’ll never know all the ways he’s felt like a failure as a husband and father.

You have been a hard worker, Dad, worthy of honor and respect. You have been a consistent and strong man in my life. I love you.

40 years a father on April 15, 2011.

Happy Father's Day!

Prayer on My Birthday

2011-04-15T10:21:00.012-05:00

Father, my Creator, today I'm 40 years old. It's a day for looking back, a day for looking forward, and it's day to just Be, to enjoy, to celebrate that my heart is beating. 40 years of wonderful life! I wonder what I'd say if I had collected years of tragedy. But there's no use in wondering. I have the memories, the experiences, the joys, the aches that belong to me. And today I say, thank You. You've known me all along, You created me in my mother's womb. You've known my every step. You love me so much, and though I haven't always believed that, I Know it today. How I must have grieved your heart the many many moments that added up to years. I used to cling to my angst of growing old, about wasting life, about not having purpose. So many moments were wasted either yearning for the past or regretting the past. So many moments I wasted in yearning for the future or fearing the future. So many moments lost because I didn't soak in your love and presence in those moments.

Today I decided to take a little trip back in time to the 70s. I'm sitting here with Elton John singing in the background. "And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in." I wonder how many people have listened to those words meant for Marilyn--Norma Jean--and felt identification with a beautiful famous woman because they also felt like candles in the wind or a wispy vapor, unloved, unknown, really.

I am known. I am loved. Your love is the source of my my life this very moment. And today I am being celebrated. My house is full of family who have traveled to be with me--to celebrate me--my existence. I am immersed in love today.

How many times I've whined about life. Father, you gave me life. You give me Life. Eternal, abundant Life.

I don't know how many days I have left on earth as it is. One day or 40 more years? I've lived through the 70s, 80s, 90s, the 2000s, I'm starting the 5th decade of life on this earth--wow!

It's taken me so long to wake up to Your Presence. I no longer feel a need to chase after "life." Each moment is life. Life is this moment in Your presence.

Thank You. Thank You.

Happy Birthday to me!

Dancing

2010-11-08T11:14:00.009-06:00

For the past few days I've been thinking about the topic of dancing.

Mackenzie, Isaak and I meet with a group of friends each Friday to "discuss the literary and philosophical significance of Pixar films, as well as the difference between our taste and any objective realities that transcend that taste." Don't we sound smart? It's really all about exploring why particular stories affect us--and each of us differently!

This past Friday, we spent two hours discussing WALL-E. We talked a bit about the dance between WALL-E and EVE surrounded by stars, by the whole universe, and the love exemplified in the freedom and joy of their dance. There's nothing choreographed about their dance--it's wild and exuberant. The captain on the ship asks the computer to define dancing and the computer replies, "Dancing: A series of movements involving two partners, where speed and rhythm match harmoniously with music."

Then on Saturday night Kevin and I went swing dancing with twelve teenagers. The kids who were with us are mostly beginners. They were content with switching partners nearly every dance; they were uninhibited--doing freestyle stuff--smiling all the time. Isaak had never swing danced before, so we had to convince him to go, using our best persuasive parent tools: "You'll never learn if you don't try" and "If you put it off now, you'll probably never do it." And believe me--I understand the fear he was experiencing--the fear of looking stupid, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of being humiliated. Dancing is such a strange mix of control and letting-go, of leading and following, of skill and humility. But I also knew that if Isaak didn't go, he'd miss out on a very special experience of freedom and joy that comes with dancing.

Kevin and I took dance-lessons together when we were newlyweds, so we know enough to get by. I realized Saturday night that I don't really want to dance with anyone but him. I'm familiar with what he'll do as the leader, and if I stumble or he stumbles, it's not embarrassing. And basically, it's just easy to be his partner because I kind of know what to expect. I feel safe dancing with him. And mostly, it's just a lot of fun!

This poem has been in process for a very long time--and it's still not done (even though I wrote it for my brother's wedding 15 years ago.) But if I always wait for everything to be just right . . . well, I guess then I'd never dance--or blog, for that matter. By the way, Isaak had a blast swing dancing the other night--not inhibited at all!

What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies. -Aristotle

Angel Dance

A mother is the first to feel
that tiny movement, the flutter
of angel's wings
inside her womb, small spirit
wanting to fly.
The love dance begins:
two bodies so closely linked
they seem to share a single soul.

Babies thrust out from mothers'
warmth into the chilled, bright world,
cry. They crave familiar touch,
a smile, soft lips
to caress their cheeks.

This longing grows:
little girls dream of a future Love,
a man who'll whisper petal soft
in her ear and run his fingers
through her hair.
Little boys give bashful smiles
and call nasty names.

Then one day these two become
man and woman, alone.
Now together.
And they begin.

The angel dance is the dance of love,
the coalescing of souls.
Sometimes we're right on beat:
one, two, three,
one, two, three,
we move with the rhythm of ocean tides,
turn with the grace of Earth rolling through space.

Other times we're off:
one, twothree
onetwo three
Toes get stepped on; I'm moving left,
you right.
Then somehow we return to twirls and dips.

This dance continues, and we only stop moving
our feet occasionally to embrace,
to halt the spinning and remember
what it is that makes us keep trying for
one, two, three,
one, two, three,
the rhythm of angels.

Wrestling

2010-11-07T16:30:00.015-06:00

Well, if a picture is a worth a thousand words, then a video must be worth more. I feel so much joy when I see Kevin and Isaak wrestling. What better indication of the relationship between a father and son then that they play together? Working together is important, but the ability to play together shows such a sweet dimension of their love.

And of course, as many of you know, for Kevin to display this kind of energy and strength is evidence of God's healing hand. Just two and a half months ago, Isaak laid his fourteen-year old hands on his daddy, too weak to get out of bed, and asked for God's healing on him.

And now he's laying his hands (and feet and other parts) on him in a different way. (Ha! Ha!) But maybe it's still a kind of prayer. A prayer of thanksgiving and freedom and joy and trust.

It's funny the moments I'm thankful for now.

Thank you, Father.

One-Act Play Festival

2010-10-21T13:32:00.013-05:00

Words Players

Original One-Act Play Festival

Friday, October 29 7:00 pm
Saturday, October 30 7:00 pm

Written by Students
Directed by Students
Acted by Students

Join in the creativity with us!

A fun addition to the festival is a Costume Contest
for audience members, with a prize for the most entertaining costume.
It's a fun night for the whole family!

$5 at the door

103 7th St. NE Rochester (Rochester Repertory Theatre)

.........................................................................................................
This is really going to be a fun time for us because not only are Mackenzie and Isaak both acting in the plays, but Mackenzie is directing for the first time, and she wrote her first play, which will also be performed.

Harvey

2010-10-17T12:45:00.003-05:00

HARVEY

A light-hearted comedy for the entire family

by Words Players Theatre

― ― ―

Children will enjoy looking for the rabbit

Adults may very well see him

Performances
Rochester Repertory Theatre
103 7th St. NE Rochester

October 15 - 7:00 PM
October 16 - 7:00 PM
October 17 - 2:00 PM
October 21 - 7:00 PM
October 22 - 7:00 PM
October 23 - 7:00 PM

Buy tickets HERE

What a Ride

2010-10-10T16:13:00.006-05:00

It's been almost a year since Kevin's been rollerblading, which is one of his favorite activities in the world. This past spring he put on his blades and couldn't stand up--in fact--he fell down and hurt himself. He was simply too weak and off-balance. Six weeks ago he was having trouble walking. Today he went rollerblading!

Talk about a ride--wow! I mean the ride we've been on in the year 2010. This past week, Kevin had a follow-up appointment with his neurologist at Mayo. She asked him if he was taking the steroids, and of course he told her he has not been taking the steroids; he's been taking antibiotics for Lyme Disease. In a nutshell, she said that it doesn't make any sense, but that they don't always "get it." He asked her what he should do about sarcoidosis, to which she said that he needn't do anything since he's not having pain. And that's that.

As you can see from the picture, he's gained about 20 pounds in the past six weeks. He's been working in the yard and in the garage, grocery shopping, cooking, and working half-days during the week. He's lifting weights at the gym four days a week--and he and I took a Yo-Pi (yoga/Pilates) class last week. Misery loves company, you know. We were pretty pitiful.

In his estimation, he's at about 85%-90%. Isn't that incredibly amazing and wonderful?! We are so grateful, not just for healing, but for the speed of his recovery. He will continue taking medication until all symptoms are resolved.

We are hoping to host a praise party, although we're not sure when or where. Any ideas for a location?

Words Players Fall Festival

2010-09-30T18:09:00.008-05:00

Words Players Fall Festival

Home Grown, Home Baked, & Hand Crafted Items
Saturday, October 2, 2010

9:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.

At the Carriage House of Patrick and Joan Dean
3335 Mayowood Hills Dr. SW

Come and shop for:
Fall and Winter Produce, Baked Goods, Nature Photos, Agate & Rock Jewelry, Children's Aprons, Magazines, Honey, Straw Bales, Outdoor Fall Decor, and More!

Grow and Bring a Pumpkin for the Largest Pumpkin Contest!

Northland Words www.northlandwords.org
Northland Words is a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt non-profit organization that supports Words Players.

No News Is?

2010-09-29T10:19:00.003-05:00

Well, you know the old saying, "No news is good news." I'd say that's mostly true in our case. Kevin has hit a plateau in some ways--either that or the improvements are so small it's hard to quantitate them. He still has good days and not as good days. This week he's working four hours a day. Yesterday was an especially good day because not only did he go to work, (take a three hour nap), mow the lawn, and make supper, he kept saying how good he felt. He made coffee this morning, which is interesting since the past two months the smell of coffee has repulsed him. In fact, he had put the bag of coffee beans into a covered container in the pantry so that he couldn't smell it!

Even though I'm continually whispering prayers of thanks to God, I think I'm a bit stingy with my hope. The feeling of disappointment ranks up there with regret, fear, and guilt. So, I guess I try to protect myself (and everyone else) from being disappointed.

For me, this isn't really an issue of trust in God. I do trust Him. But that doesn't mean that what I hope for and think is the best solution and in my timing is what He will supply. It's funny--I used to be concerned about all of those who might view me as a non-intellectual, poor religious fanatic with my God crutch. No more of that concern. I'll shout it from the rooftops, "I'm dependent!" And it's a good place to be.

Last month I read The Jesus Storybook Bible (yes, it is for children, of which I have really felt like one lately), and the story of Jesus choosing his disciples brought me to tears.

Jesus left the desert and set about the Great Rescue. He was going to get God's people back. But first he needed to find some helpers and friends. He had a lot to do. He would need some people to help him. Who would make good helpers, do you think? Clever ones? Rich ones? Strong, important ones? Some people might think so, but I'm sure by now you don't need me to tell you they'd be wrong. Because the people God uses don't have to know a lot of things, or have a lot of things--they just have to need him a lot.

I definitely need Him--a lot.

There are some other old sayings: "There's no rest for the weary" and "When it rains, it pours." The kids have had nasty colds for WEEKS, and I have a sore throat, headache, and swollen lymph nodes, too. Mackenzie has been in to the chirporactor for back pain, and I've been in a few times for a bruised coccyx, otherwise known as the tailbone. Apparently, sitting for hours on a hard bench for days at the scrapbook retreat did some damage. So, now I take a blow-up donut with me wherever I go.

We continue to need prayer. Sometimes no news is good news. Sometimes the newspaper is simply wilted.

So Much For Sleep

2010-09-21T22:27:00.005-05:00

Isaak sings and plays keys in a band called So Much For Sleep.

They play hardcore music and just played a show two weeks ago at Midwest Skate Park. The crowd called them back for an encore, which they were pretty pumped about. He's having a lot of fun. They'll be playing again in October.

Man of My Dreams

2010-09-20T23:00:00.012-05:00

Today, Kevin went back to work! For two hours. I asked, "Did you get anything done?" and he said that no--everyone he saw wanted to talk to him and welcome him back and tell him how much they missed him and how worried they've been. So, they were a good two hours back, I think.

I picked him up from work, and when I saw him walking to the car in his uniform, the tears started to well up. Sweet relief and thanksgiving! (Maybe it's hard to tell, but the jacket is hanging on him).

Several weeks ago I had a dream. Kevin and I were at the wedding of some friends and we were all leaving the wedding to fly home. I'll cut out all the crazy details, but everyone went ahead of me and I was delayed at the ticket counter (which was actually the counter of Mayo Clinic). So I got on the elevator (which bore a striking resemblance to the elevators in the parking ramp at Mayo). But I realized that my ticket didn't have a gate number on it, and I began to panic because I had no idea where I was supposed to go. In my mind I pictured Kevin looking around and wondering where I could have gone. So, I knew I had to go back to the ticket counter, and I felt so alone. When the elevator opened, I saw Kevin standing at the counter, wearing his work uniform, looking so healthy, and with a smile on his face. The RELIEF! Oh--it was so comforting--and I knew I was safe! Kevin is going to take care of me! And I woke up and looked over at Kevin--sick, weak, fatigued, sleeping. But for a wonderful moment, I had felt like I could rest.

Well, I must not be a very deep person because the meaning of this dream is so obvious (Unlike the one recently where I had made Kevin a birthday cake, which was actually a dead dog. And then this horrible, huge dog came and ripped the birthday cake "dead dog" to shreds. Blood was everywhere. I'm not really sure about that one).

I'm reading a book called Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. One of his statements, and I hesitate to write this outside of the context of the 230 pages of this book, is, "He will often blight the very thing we feel confident in, so that we will learn to depend on Him, not on ourselves." Whether or not you believe that God causes or is responsible or in control of bad circumstances and/or good circumstances is not really what I want to discuss here. The words jumping out at me in this sentence are "confident in" and "depend on Him." I've been very aware of my dependence and confidence in Kevin for nearly 20 years. I've recognized the ways I've depended and counted on and even taken advantage of his serving spirit. This is not a new revelation. I have said to him countless times, "I need you." And I've confessed to God that I've put other gods before him--my husband being one. But through this illness I've learned that ALL of my trust/reliance/confidence/dependence is to be in my Father God.

I didn't realize how confident I was in, not just Kevin, but in the wholeness of our family--reading aloud together, eating meals together, shopping together, cooking together, couch-time at night discussions together, weekend planning together, playing together, and the list goes on. My confidence--what has given me such a feeling of peace and safety has been that I've had a partner in nurturing the wholeness of this family. I trusted in the relationships being healthy and close and connected and stable. August was the loneliest month of my life.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel good and happy and relief and JOY in our family or in the "man of my dreams"--healthy, strong, and protective. But where does my peace, confidence, trust, and dependence rest? It's a choice to trust. To trust God. And it's been a huge challenge to see and hear what that means. But, this exhausting journey has been a surgery-like-revealing journey. Not all of what I've seen and heard is meant to be shared--it's between my God and me. And you might not get it anyway. Because it's what He had for me. And what He has for you can be your secret, too. And I probably wouldn't get it anyway.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Day 28

2010-09-20T22:00:00.007-05:00

Today Kevin had an appointment with his Lyme doctor in Winona. When she walked in the room, she quietly said, "It's a miracle."

After 28 days on antibiotics, Kevin has gained 14 pounds. So many symptoms are gone or better. He's lifting weights every other day. He's napping less. He's eating more. He's wrestling with Isaak. I found them skirmishing at the bottom of the basement stairs, and Kevin's pants had been pulled off and were wrapped around his feet. Yah--no wonder he napped for five hours today.

She went over some test results with us. This is a bit confusing.

1. He has a vitamin D deficiency. This feels like very useful information to us because of the diagnosis of sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis frequently causes an increase in vitamin D production outside the kidney. High levels of Vitamin D are also implicated in immune-system dysfunctions which tie into the sarcoid condition. If his vitamin D levels had been high, it would really support sarcoidosis, the way we understand it. So, we're glad it's not high--he will now have to get his vitamin D levels up. Vitamin D deficiency is common in Lyme patients.

2. His ACE (angiotensin converting enzyme) levels dropped from about 153 to 103. Normal is between 8 and 53. ACE will be elevated in 50% to 80% of patients with active sarcoidosis. His ACE has lowered since taking antibiotics, so are praying for it to continue to lower to normal levels.

3. He's anemic.

When Kevin told the doctor about all the progress he's made, she said, "Praise the Lord!" What a coincidence that the doctor is a believer in our God. (Are you catching the irony?) Also, when we told her a bit of our experience with answers to prayer, tears came to her eyes.

So, Kevin will continue on the two antibiotics he's taking, all the vitamins, magnesium, green tea, fish oils, reishi mushroom spores (yes, I'm serious), barley grass, grapeseed oil extract, flaxseed oil, acidophilus, ibuprofen, tart cherry juice, fruits and veggies, and homeopathic remedies. The doctor advised us not to be discouraged if his symptoms relapse, as this is very common with Lyme disease. Please pray with us that this won't happen and that God will heal him completely.

Tuesday morning we're off to the homeopathist.

Love Letter

2010-09-19T00:17:00.019-05:00

The following is a compilation of notes from many, many friends over the past two months. We have so appreciated and needed the encouragement. We're grateful to see the relationships that have been strengthened through this, rather than weakened. Because, of course, illness can have both impacts on friendships. Thanks to those of you who've been sticking-it-out with us. I know that I look like I "have it all together" and that things can't have been that bad. I--we--have been shielded by prayers and encouragment and treated to the occasional meal or transportation for our children. You've blessed us.

Dear Kristi and Family,

I've been praying for you and your family. At random times, I was led to lift you all in prayer and know that it was God's prodding to intercede on your family's behalf. As you go through this as a wife and mother, please know that there are even more people than you know, interceding on your behalf, lifting up each emotion you feel, each pain Kevin experiences and each family time you have together.

I was thinking and praying for you and Kevin this morning. I opened my Bible to dwell on some Psalms, and came across Psalm 139. In light of what you are dealing with, it is beautiful. Verses 11 and 12 really stuck out to me after what you said on your blog about the darkness closing in:
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you;the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

You amaze me with your strength through this, Kristi. Thanks for sharing and being open. I was brought to tears tonight looking at that freakin’ pasta salad on your blog. Not because it looked so sad but because I knew there was someone researching, reading and looking at every possible avenue for something good to put into his stomach to help the healing process. I know how much reading and researching you do. Life isn't easy right now, that's for sure.

Oh, Kristi - I ache for you. Hope can be so slippery, shooting through your fingers just when you think you have it in your grasp. Hold on. Listen carefully for the whisper of God in your ear, and know that you are loved. Take strength in these words from a woman who knew what it was to hope in the dark: "You can never... learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have." — Corrie ten Boom

‎Struggle on, Kristi. You know what you need to do, and more important, you know what you need to not do. You are not in control. You are growing every day and your children are growing and Kevin is growing. I know it and I see it.

I'm praying that tomorrow will be better and that today was the worst...and that they will get better from here on out! I know you've heard the phrase "I've been praying for you" a lot lately and I'm so grateful we live in the community of Christ where we can share our pains and praises.

Lingering ill is the worst thing--every time someone asks how you are, because they've been praying, you feel that you ought to be at least a little better. It's wearying to have to say that things are the same or worse.

I don't pretend to know what you are feeling...even I won't say that and I have said a bajillion things like that. Possibly even a kazillion. I have typed four of five sentences and deleted them and typed over them and here is what I am down to: I am thinking of you. That's it.

I'm so sorry...that sounds lame, but I am sorry Kevin is so sick, I am sorry you are going through this and trying to figure out what's best, I am sorry I can't be there for you all the time, I am sorry there is no easy fix, I am sorry Mackenzie and Isaak are missing their Dad, I am sorry you are a single mother and I am sorry you are so lonely. I love you.

Oh, Kristi you must know that no matter whether you post or not we are praying for Kevin, for you and the children. God brings you across my mind many times and I'm sure I'm not the only one. We are SO thankful Kevin is feeling better and we are praying it continues.

I know there are no words that can make this better or ease the feelings you have. But if there is any comfort, it must be from God. When I struggle with something I often turn to this scripture--and I am sure you already have.

"Consider it joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

I'm listening. We are all praying. Helpless days are so very discouraging...understatement of the year. Through all my own health struggles throughout the years, I have been so grateful that God revealed to me that He didn't just die for my sins - but also for my healing. "By the Stripes of Jesus, we are healed!” Your faith in and through all of this is a beautiful offering to the Lord and an example for those of us who may one day face significant suffering. Yes, I see Him.

You are all a blessing to so many. I love you guys and I am praying for you all. Hang in there and please, let me know if there is anything I can do.

I pray Kevin is doing better today; and all of you. God is able!! I know you have what it takes to do this another day. Leaning on God is the safest place to be right now. I know God has taught you all many things through Kevin’s ordeal, and I am equally sure that there have been many days when you would have preferred not learn any lessons. Never forget how deeply God loves you, how tenderly He holds you, how perfectly He plans the way out for you.

May God continue to bring healing in your body and give you all strength. I'll say it again: HALLELUJAH! I'm so glad to hear you're seeing signs of improvement. I've been praying that you would have relief soon! Please know that many of us are taking up this battle for you, and when you are battle weary, we are in the background shouting, THIS DAY WE FIGHT! Many times a day, we are lifting you up. I suppose we’re a little like Aaron and Hur in Exodus 17—holding up Moses’ arms when he grew weary, and Israel prevailed in battle. We’ve got your arms, E.family.

One last thought: post your blog when you want to. Rest--your body, your mind, your spirit. Everything. Look at what you're enduring and how faithful God is. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said--"I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and today you find He gave you the bread of life.--Oswald Chambers

Love,

The Family

"The thunder and lightning gave voice to the night. The little, lost child cried aloud in her fright. Hush little baby a story I will tell, of a love that has vanquished the powers of hell. Hallelujah, the great storm is over. Lift up your wings and fly..."

Can You See Him?

2010-09-16T15:51:00.001-05:00

This is Kristi. Kristi is happy.
This is Kevin. Kevin is making a come-back.

This is God. He is here. Even if you can't see Him.

And of course, He's been here all along, holding us.

Catch-Up

2010-09-13T21:05:00.003-05:00

Well, there's more than one reason why I'm not writing as often.

1) School has started, which means I'm back to being teacher to Mackenzie and Isaak. It's been a bit crazy so I'm actually trying to catch up with them. I said, "Start," and so they started, and now I'm feeling a bit frantic trying to learn what they've been learning in chemistry, geometry, history, literature, and French. They are old enough now that they do mostly independent study, but I really feel better knowing as much as they do, so at least we can work through any problems together. I've spent a good part of today correcting geometry and chemistry and printing off French worksheets and reading about the Industrial Revolution in between writing checks for music lessons and classes and running them to piano and cross country. 2) I left town on Wednesday and headed north to hang out with my sister Nikki and friend Tiffany at Pine Haven Christian Camp for a scrapbook retreat. It started out kind of bumpy. For several days preceding my departure, I felt pretty yucky--nauseated, headache, tired--and about a half-hour out of town I felt a prickly sensation on my left side, which is where I got shingles a few years ago. I ended up at the doctor in the very tiny town of Pequot Lakes and all checked out fine. By the time I arrived at the camp, I was fine. Either I was ill or I was MAJORLY stressed. I brought my laptop and entered the world of digital scrapbooking. Delightful! 3) The pressure of writing my blog got to me a bit, I think. I needed a hiatus. 4) There's not a ton of difference to report from day to day.

So, with that being said, here's the latest: Kevin has his ups and downs, especially with fatigue. Today is a fatigue-day compared to some very excellent days he's had in the past two weeks. But so much has improved--praise God! He's barely dizzy, he's able to drive around town a bit, he has a fabulous appetite and is gaining weight, he's getting stronger, his Bell's Palsy is gone (I think), and he's not freezing all of the time. There are several other issues not healed yet, but he is on the upswing. Thank you for continuing to pray!

It's such a relief to have a husband and father in our family again. Right now he's at the store with Mackenzie and Isaak. In the past week the kids have started a new learning adventure--cooking! I've missed out on most of their creations since being gone. It's been mostly carbs and comfort food, but--hey--you've got to start somewhere! Oh--they're walking in the door just now, and Mackenzie's saying, "We're going to make scones!" Yep--right before bed.

Here's something fun I learned to do this weekend.

Mackenzie and Isaak were on Team Foxy Alice for the dodgeball tournament at youth group in the spring. They were pretty proud of their team uniforms.

Holding Steady

2010-09-07T23:03:00.003-05:00

Kevin has had a fabulous week overall--improvement in so many areas, especially energy levels. He's been sleeping considerably less during the day, which has been a good sign. It's so hard to say how he is because his symptoms fluctuate, but we are very pleased. It does seem that he's hit a bit of a plateau since we haven't seen any more improvement in the past few days.

With his improvement, my body took the cue to succumb to the stress, I think. For the past six weeks I have been filled with super-energy and have felt amazing, but as soon as I began to relax a tiny bit, the attack hit hard. I may have a little flu or be experiencing some anxiety attacks. I've had numbness in my limbs, nausea, ear pain, and aches for four days. Tonight I'm feeling a bit better, which is wonderful because tomorrow I'm heading north for a scrapbook retreat.

We really need wisdom to make decisions regarding treatment. It's been so AWFUL having two diagnoses--Lyme Disease and Sarcoidosis--because they have opposing treatments. For Lyme he needs antibiotics and NOT steroids, but for Sarcoidosis they recommend steroids for inflammation. Most of the time it seems like an easy decision, but there are times when we feel uncertain and confused.

Every day I think I'm going to wake up and everything will be "fixed"--that this horrible thing will have been a nightmare. I know it may not sound all that horrible, but it really is. Lyme disease can be incurable, and Sarcoidosis has no cure.

But I know God is sovereign and that He loves us.

Back from the Dead

2010-09-02T19:25:00.015-05:00

It's day 10 of antibiotics. It's difficult to tell you how Kevin is doing since you may not know how bad-off he was to begin with. His symptom list was so LONG that it was easy for us to forget to mention some of them when going to the doctor.

So, in a nutshell, compared to last Thursday, Kevin is like a different person. His naps are only two hours long now, and then he's up for a couple hours, and then goes back to bed. His pain is lessened, his light sensitivity is improving, his Bell's Palsy is much better, and a few other symptoms are improving. He has an appetite and he's eating often! And no nausea today at all! Listing symptoms and what is better or not is really a bit boring for me and for you, too, I'm sure.

Yesterday I dropped him off at Wal-Mart with a short list while I went to run another errand. When I came back after a half hour he was pretty wiped out and moving very slowly. I had to take the cart while he went and sat down. He was pretty excited to be "on his own"--like a kid with special privileges, but we realized that we expected a little too much of his burst of energy.

He's far from being his normal self, but it feels like he's back from the dead.

Mack

2010-09-02T12:11:00.007-05:00

All of her theatre friends call her Mack.

Her friend Kadi (14 years old) took these pictures of her yesterday.

Beautiful pictures.

Beautiful girl.

(And, yes, her haircolor is natural!)

Lessons from Nature

2010-08-31T13:00:00.010-05:00

In Our Back Yard This Morning

This isn't something we see every day. I believe this is a hawk eating some kind of little rodent. The "fur is flying" usually refers to cats fighting, but it applies here, too. Fur was literally flying as the hawk ripped it from his meal. The stronger and the weaker. I guess that rodent couldn't hide.

A few weeks ago when I was up late into the night praying, I happened to glimpse a quick movement across the carpet in my living room. A centipede! After I swatted at it with a book, it ran to camouflage itself next to the wooden trunk which serves as our coffee table. I watched for a long time, but it was invisible to me. No movement. I grabbed a nearby metal candle-wick trimmer and waited. Finally, it crept out and I hit it. And no lie, it was gone as if it had just disintegrated into nothing. This was before we found out that Kevin definitively had Lyme disease, but I was already convinced by all my research that he did, indeed, have it. So, I began to pray that the "parasites"--the buggy bacteria (spirochetes) in Kevin's body would disintegrate just like that centipede

.All week I've been reading a 400 page book by a senior editor of Discover science magazine, which is called Cure Unknown: Inside the Lyme Epidemic. I can't put it down! One of my least favorite parts of the book is actually what I want to quote, about which she discusses the ecosystem and environmental mismanagement, deer in the suburbs, and all kinds of nature topics that aren't really up my alley. She writes: "Nationwide, the deer population has increased from about 500,000 in the early 1900s to some 30 million today . . . Where woods are continuous, few deer are found--but where woods are fragmented, in our suburbs, in my Chappaqua neighborhood, deer abound . . . The deer I sidled up to harbored ticks by the hundreds in the comfortable folds of its head and neck, and especially about the ears. It was from deer and other large mammals that most adult ticks obtained a blood meal, and thus the ability to lay eggs en masse."

There is an ENORMOUS controversy about Lyme disease, which I can't even begin to explain. The controversy is actually political and sounds like a theological battle. You will hear: "I don't believe in Lyme disease." If I can't see it in just exactly the way I want to see it, well then, it doesn't exist. We are astonished at the amount of people who are suffering and can't get treatment for this disease. Despite the overwhelming evidence that's been found by scientists and doctors, there are so many other people who have control and who refuse to open their minds and their eyes to new findings. We don't blame doctors who have been educated in the system. It's the CDC and NIH and Yale who have turned a blind eye to scientific evidence.

Humans think they can control everything and fix everything and figure it all out. But sometimes there is hiddenness. We may deny the existence of hidden things, but sometimes those things are stronger than us--and then we really get an education.

On that note, I think I'll go smash some fruit flies in my kitchen! Do any of you have any encounters with nature that you would like to share? (Deer? Skunks?)

I'm Not Amazing

2010-08-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

I'm desperate for school to start. What I mean by that is I'm anxious for all of the children of the world to start school so we can get back to a routine. Mackenzie and Isaak have started on their schoolwork, but it's getting squeezed in around their social schedule.

I guess I want life to be predictable in some sense because I feel like we're on a journey in the scary, neverendinglandoftheunknown. I'm the kind of person who likes to know in advance what is going to happen. It makes me feel safe. When we went to Disney World years ago, I typed out our itinerary, and we followed it. We had a blast!

Some of you know what I'm talking about. Control. When things feel uncertain and uncontrolled and unpredictable, I feel frantic. But more than that, I feel grumpy. Like right now. "Mom." Whenever I try to come up with one more sentence, someone in the house asks me for help with something. "Kristi." Really. "Mom." I'm not lying. "Mom."

I keep researching Lyme disease. I stay up late. I come back to the computer many times during the day to look up one more idea, follow one more trail. I'm trying to gain control over this horrible thing. But no matter what I do I can't control it, I can't predict how long it will last, I can't say how long Kevin will be sick, and I can't really tell you if he's any better than he was yesterday. There's a very strong possibility that this could go on for months, for a year, or even longer. I know, I know, I know! I need to open my hands and quit clenching and grabbing; I need to lift them up empty and open in surrender and expectation.

And I know this is one of my issues. O.K. It's a sin. My head hurts.

So, here's today: I dropped Kevin off at WOW this morning with a personal trainer for an hour. After lifting the "weights of a kindergartner" he was completely wiped out; while he did that, I shopped for groceries; I took him home and made him a Power Punch and gave him a bowl of tuna; he went to bed; I cut and cleaned veggies, made myself lunch, cleaned up the juicer and food, did laundry, took Kevin his homeopathic remedy, printed some papers for the kids' grammar, did more research, did catch-up on lots of emails, and called about Isaak's guitar lesson; meanwhile, Kevin slept, woke up, and asked Mackenzie to drive him to get a haircut; then we went to pick up our car from the repair shop; thank goodness our friend Kristin brought us some delicious soup for supper; I made myself a big salad (because I'm trying to get CONTROL by disciplining my eating); I told Kevin not to eat crackers; he ate a cracker; I told Kevin I'm too tired to be his mother and he can eat whatever he wants; I made some coffee and worked with the kids on some schoolwork (yes, at 7:00 pm), and now I'm here; my head hurts, and I have three people who keep asking me things. I haven't washed my hair in three days.

People, I am not amazing.

Day 6

2010-08-29T15:38:00.012-05:00

Last week a dear friend counseled me to post my blog only when I wanted to--to rest my mind, spirit, and body. It's true, it's exhausting trying to come up with the best way to convey our situation, our feelings, who we are, what we need, and on and on. And obviously there will be times when I quickly write out the latest news just to "get it done."

The catch-22 with only blogging when I want to is that if I take a break then I'll have to answer more questions and play catch-up. But my biggest concern is that if I don't write, then he'll be forgotten. I know that entering into the lives of people who are in crisis can be emotionally exhausting, and all of you, like us, want to be able to heave a big sigh of relief (AAAAH) and move on with life and not have to feel crummy anymore about our situation or have to keep asking the same things of God day after day. Maybe that's not fair. Maybe that doesn't describe you. Maybe that is just a description of me in my selfishness when I'm on the other end of the crisis. Please forgive me if I'm not giving you enough credit--it's simply that these are my fears

It's DAY 6 of antibiotic treatment. Since I wrote on Thursday, Kevin's condition has taken an amazing turn for the better! Friday, Saturday, and today he took his nausea medication and has only had mild wooziness. His appetite has soared and he's eaten a lot! He has slept less the last three days and has been talking--parenting and discussing things and cracking lame jokes. Last night we went on a walk and he wanted to keep going even though I kept saying, "Are you sure?" 20 minutes! He was pretty worn out by the time he got to our house and was wobbling on his legs, but wow! He's far from well, but there is improvement already!

On Tuesday, he also began taking a new remedy from his homeopath, which she said is for his Lyme symptoms.

I feel like a nurse, a naggy one at that. I'm constantly checking to see if he's taking his acidophilus, his remedy, his medication. I'm providing meals of protein and veggies and yogurt. Today, for example, I insisted he drink a carrot and ginger juice with grapeseed extract and barley grass in it. Soon we'll be receiving our order for several other supplements suggested in Advanced Topics in Lyme Disease by Joseph Burrascano. Yesterday we joined Workout World and will meet with a personal trainer tomorrow. Since he's started antibiotics, he needs to start stretching and gaining muscle back. We may soon be taking Pilates classes.

Hallelujah! We're so pleasantly surprised by how much improvement we're seeing so soon. So--antibiotics, homeopathic remedies, nutrition, GOD our healer and guide and advisor--there's a lot involved here. You can breathe a little sigh of relief (aaah). Keep praying. Don't get worn out. Please don't forget about him.

Herxheimer!

2010-08-26T17:04:00.011-05:00

Kevin started taking a low-dose of doxycycline Tuesday morning. He's supposed to take more as tolerated. He didn't vomit Tuesday and Wednesday, although he said yesterday was the worst day ever for pain. Today he vomited up his breakfast and the pill. He's so nauseated, but keeps thinking he can take it some time today. The anti-nausea medicine isn't doing anything for him.

We completely expected things to get worse because of the Herxheimer reaction known to accompany antibiotic treatment. It's an indicator that bacteria are dying. We're really hoping it won't last long, but I've read that it can last the same amount of time that the patient has been ill--that would be 8 months. I'm hoping it only last two weeks. I can wish.

Basically, it's another hard day. Kevin is starting to display evidence of depression. I said I couldn't believe how long the last three weeks have felt and he said, "It's just been one long day for me." Other things keep coming out of his mouth--discouraging thoughts. And he's worried about the kids and how this is affecting them. Please lift that up to the Lord with me. Every day I think, "This is going to go away very soon."

The last few days, Mackenzie has been reading Winnie Pooh aloud to him. Last night she said, "I wish he'd get better right now. No--I wish he'd gotten better two hours ago."

Under Our Skin

2010-08-25T12:09:00.002-05:00
I ordered a documentary about Lyme disease called Under Our Skin. We're going to watch it this Friday night. If you're interested in watching it with us, email me.

Recipe for the Non-Gourmet: Fresh Pasta Salad

2010-08-24T14:35:00.015-05:00
Fresh Pasta Salad . . . what a boring name. It could have been called Balsamic Vinegar Salad or Vegetable Pulp Salad. The biggest obstacle to overcome with this recipe is that you must own a juicer!

I made it special for Kevin, and he loved it! And that's a bit sad because now I'm cutting him off from carbs. It's time to help the antibiotics work, and that means: low-carb, good veggies, no-sugar yogurt, acidophilus, flax-seed oil, and grapeseed oil extract, and a multivitamin.

Actually, I think this recipe is verging on the gourmet rather than the non-gourmet, meaning it was tedious.

Ingredients:
1 lb. pasta (I used whole wheat spirals)

1/4 cup red pepper pulp

1/4 cup yellow pepper pulp

1/4 onion pulp

1/2 cup zucchini pulp

1/2 cup carrot pulp

asparagus spears

1/2 cup balsamic vinegar

salt & pepper to taste

2 tablespoons olive oil
I juiced all the veggies and kept the pulp. I cooked the pasta, and rinsed it in cold water. I suppose you could serve it warm. I cooked the asparagus in a pan with olive oil, but I suppose you could steam or boil it. I didn't measure anything. I just threw it all together. Bonus: I used juice from the peppers and added apple juice and lime juice to marinate the tilapia for supper tonight.

Beginning Antibiotics

2010-08-23T15:00:00.005-05:00
It's been a rough day so far. I made Kevin some oatmeal with strawberries and a fruit juice (from papaya, pineapple, lime, and orange). Not long after he ate it, he began vomiting, and he continued to vomit in the car to Winona and home from Winona.

Here's the scoop: the doctor has prescribed him some new nausea medicine and an oral antibiotic: doxycycline. I completely expected her to start him on an IV antibiotic since his symptoms are very pronounced. And I thought she might give him two different ones, which I've read for advanced Lyme disease therapy. What I'm feeling right now: discouraged. It's hard to say why, other than I'm afraid that this will just prolong everything. And then, a month down the road, therapy will have to be changed, and on and on. And I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong. And I'm very concerned because of the diagnosis of sarcoidosis, which adds so much more to the mix. I just have a bad feeling. I feel like crying or yelling--just a bit unstable today.

The days when he vomits are the worst. I know he doesn't have anything good going on in his body right now. No nutrition or water. It all came up. We didn't stop to get the meds. He climbed into bed immediately. We'll get the meds later.

Please pray. To drive with him for two hours and have him barely say a word, for him to look so sad and miserable, to see him walk so unsteadily, to feel so helpless . . .

God help us.

Power Punch Lunch

2010-08-22T22:15:00.006-05:00
This past week we had some friends come over to bring us a meal, and they just happened to bring a DVD they thought we might like to watch which features a woman named Lorraine Day, M.D., who was cured of breast cancer by changing her diet (no chemo). So, this weekend, we watched it. Her story is fascinating! She insists that nutrition is the key: namely, eating the food God gave us. She spent a great deal of time explaining the benefits of juicing fruits and vegetables with a professional juicing machine.

Well, four weeks ago while we were sitting at home, the doorbell rang. It just happened to be Kevin's supervisor from work, holding a big box. She said, "I have a juicer for you to borrow." I have to be honest. What I thought was: "We have so much stress in our lives, there's no way I'm going to pull that out." And so, it's been sitting in my laundry room for four weeks.

One person brought us a video about a juicer; another person brought us a juicer. God is speaking. Kevin needs good nutrition immediately. So, we went to the store and bought a huge amount of fruits and vegetables. After two days, they're almost all gone!

Here's a video of me making Kevin a glass Power Punch.

Sick of My Voice

2010-08-19T18:59:00.007-05:00
For those of you have called or emailed me and I haven't responded, please bear with me. I am really grateful! It's simply that I have such a strange mix of feelings these days. I can be extremely lonely and bored, yet at the same time have no motivation to respond to those reaching out in love. I'm tired.

A few of you have also heard me say this: I'm sick of my own voice. I've explained so much so many times, and it's hard to keep smiling; but it's worse not to smile because that's really awkward, too. So, if you see my face twitching when you're talking to me, it's because I'm trying to figure out which expression is just the right one, and none of them seem quite right. We're all sort of actors all of the time, but at present, I'm not sure what my part is or what will please my audience most. I know, I know. It's not about making everyone feel good or about looking good, but this isn't an easy part. And I never really had a chance to rehearse. If you played this role before, maybe you can give me some acting lessons?

Second Diagnosis: Sarcoidosis

2010-08-19T18:25:00.006-05:00
We got the results of Kevin's biopsy this morning. The doctor told Kevin that it was "good news." It's sarcoidosis and you will need to start on Prednisone. He told her he didn't feel comfortable with that, and she firmly told him he really needed to take it because it's the only treatment. He said, "O.K." because he really didn't want to explain about Lyme and how his wife has become an expert on the subjects of Lyme, sarcoidosis, antibiotics, and steroids in the last six weeks (just kidding).

But he won't be taking the steroids. We have been praying--many people have been praying--and after all of the research we've done, we feel confident in treating with antibiotics for Lyme disease, and not steroids for sarcoidosis at present. Over and over again I have asked God for wisdom, guidance, confidence, and peace with our decisions, and over and over we have gotten confirmation.

We have been told the personal stories of four other men who had these symptoms, were tested negative for Lyme at Mayo and were sent away with no answers. They heard about Lyme disease, were tested by Lyme literate doctors, were treated, and are now well. Kevin's supervisor at work called him this morning immediately after the doctor called, saying she just found out a family member had the same experience (not at Mayo), and is now well. This came at a perfect time as Kevin was wondering if he was making the right decision.

He has an appointment in Winona on Monday, and we hope that treatment will begin right away!

Please continue to pray--please don't give up. When he's 100%, we're going to have a praise party!

Laughter is Good Medicine

2010-08-18T12:47:00.008-05:00

Today Isaak brought down his skinny jeans and a pink shirt for Kevin to try on. Kevin was able to wear them! The photos truly don't do justice to how silly he looked. I had a good belly-laugh. So, it was good medicine for me, at least. Isaak said to Mackenzie, "Isn't that gross?" to which she emphatically replied, "Yes."

They still haven't been able to explain to me why it's gross on him, but not on anyone else.

First Diagnosis: Lyme Disease

2010-08-17T15:46:00.010-05:00
We received test results this afternoon from Kevin's doctor in Winona. We'll be receiving a letter and going to a follow-up appointment on Monday (too long to wait!). The lab results, along with his symptoms, have led to a diagnosis of Lyme Disease. The treatment is antibiotic therapy. We're hoping he can get started before Monday. I'll keep you updated.

Tomorrow afternoon we should get results of the biopsy, but the cultures from that could take weeks. The biopsy today went very well.

I have been doing my own research on sarcoidosis, which is what we expect to hear as a diagnosis from Mayo. I actually found information connecting the two--treated by the same antibiotic. Granted, a common treatment for sarcoidosis is steroids, which provides symptom relief. We want a CURE. In addition, steroids make Lyme worse.

In case you didn't know, since he had steroid treatment, his symptoms became even worse, which we didn't think was possible. He was able to go to work before the steroids.

I think I'll leave you with the short version today. I prayed until 4:30 this morning, slept until 6:00 and then woke to take him in for his biopsy.

Please keep praying. When Lyme patients begin antibiotics they typically have a worsening of symptoms from 2 days to months! It's hard to imagine this getting worse.
He really wanted to show off his hat. The painkillers made him act more like his regular self.

How are the Kids?

2010-08-15T12:45:00.012-05:00
How are the kids? This is a question I've gotten a few times in the past month because of Kevin's illness.

Well. . .they appear to be fine. Kevin's being ill has changed our family dynamics in huge ways. We are four very close people. Normally, family life for us involves mealtime together (every night),"couch time" when we talk and talk and talk, and read-aloud time (yes, even with teenagers) when I read a book out loud, and which we've been doing nearly since they were born, work time, which means that Kevin or I assign them tasks or work on tasks together. In the summer, Kevin and Mackenzie and Isaak normally weed the garden and pick the produce together. Of course there's always a running to-do list. We play games together or watch movies together. Together is the word. Of course they have their friends and activities, too.

But family life is very different. The kids ask if they can do something with friends, and the answer is usually, "Go ahead." And so they aren't here very much. Because I don't know any reason to say no. So, they're having fun; they're distracted; they're busy. And I'm O.K. with that. I think. Hey, it makes mealtimes easier since they're gone. Hmm, what should I have tonight? Brownies again?

Anyway, they do pray for Kevin and ask, "How is Dad today?" And Mackenzie has said, "This feels unreal."

This weekend, Mackenzie is gone with friends to a Civil War Reenactment. Isaak's been to a birthday party, had a sleepover, and basically been a regular 14-year old boy.

I really hope that this time in our life will go away soon. I don't want it to be something our children will talk about some day as a life-changing time. I don't want it to be life-changing. I liked life before this.

I know I should probably say that God is in control and has a plan,and that we'll all be stronger for it. Changed. But--today--I don't feel like saying that.

Best Stressed?

2010-08-13T15:38:00.003-05:00
My mom sent me this card. Am I stressed? I guess I am, but sometimes I don't know it. Until--someone says in a sweet voice, "Are you O.K.?" and then I start crying. Where did that come from? I didn't know that was going to happen! I didn't feel like crying. Or did I?

This is a bizarre place. Yes--place. It feels like I'm walking around in some hazy kind of Limbo reality right now. An UN-reality. I wake up each day with the feeling that something isn't right.

Today is a tough one for Kevin emotionally. I suppose it's tough for me, too. Kevin is an optimist. He has a good attitude about most things. Today he said, "I hate this. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm in a battle, but I'm out of ammo. How can I do this four more days?" And I just nod. He's really saying, I can't endure anymore.

We haven't lost our confidence in God; we're just tired.

Each day this week I feel more and more tired. Really tired. Maybe it's catchy.

Lessons in Patience

2010-08-11T16:37:00.006-05:00
We went to Mayo today for a consultation, which consisted of the neurologist showing us the pictures of Kevin's enlarged mediastinal lymph nodes, and then a PA telling us they want to do a biopsy of the lymph nodes. Does Kevin consent? Sign this paper.

Oh my! And now . . . insurance has to approve the biopsy, which is what we thought was happening the last 10 days. They were only approving the consultation. Mayo hadn't sent anything about the biopsy/outpatient surgery.

Here's the deal: Kevin is scheduled for the biopsy on Tuesday, pending insurance approval. It has been marked URGENT!

We expect on Tuesday to get results about Lyme disease.

You must wonder why I don't give more information? I don't have any, folks. It's all about patience. I have chosen to believe that everything is at a snail's pace for a reason. And believe me, normally I'd be throwing a huge tempter tantrum.

The homeopath who met with us yesterday gave Kevin a homeopathic remedy based on his symptoms. And regarding all of our medical decisions she said, "Ask your God. And listen."

So, that's what we're doing, and we ask that you do the same for us. We may have to choose between several clashing options, and we need WISDOM and CLARITY and PEACE and CONFIDENCE.

In the meantime, he sleeps, he drinks Gatorade, he eats Rice Krispies.

Prayer Shawl

2010-08-11T10:25:00.002-05:00
This week my friend Catherine knitted a beautiful prayer shawl for me. She said that it's a reminder that we're wrapped not only in God's love, but also in the prayers of so many people who love us. In fact, I've been told that people who don't know us are praying for us. I almost said, "People who don't love us are praying for us." But that's ridiculous. They love Yaweh, our God, so they love us, so they pray.

It feels like there is a covering over us. I know there is, in fact. Me--alone--without God--without prayers--I'm a mess. Any kind of calm or peace or trust or hope or patience that you may glimpse in me is not of myself. It's a gift of God.

It's so strange--my mind doesn't fall into bottomless pits like it used to--it's protected. And I remember the verse: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7.

Don't misunderstand me, I still feel discouraged by Kevin's illness, by the "new normal" of our family routine. Things are the same in so many ways, yet so different. It's like Kevin left for a trip, but his body is still here. Eww--that sounds horrible. What I mean is that he's NOT HIMSELF, and his not being himself changes the dynamics of our family.

I find myself laughing at odd things. After being up for 20 minutes, he'll say something like, "I think I'll go upstairs for awhile." We both know what that means. I'm going back to bed for four, five, or six hours. Or at 9:00 am, he might ask, "Do you want to go take a nap with me?" Hmmm. I know that the only reason he's awake for any hours in the day is because he misses us. And he knows we miss him. Otherwise, I think he'd sleep around the clock.

It's not right.

And now I need to put on my prayer shawl.

Like I Said

2010-08-09T14:16:00.006-05:00

The Phantom
(A few hours after the last photo)
In case you think I'm being too flippant about this, he laughed when he saw my last post.

The Phantom

2010-08-09T12:12:00.013-05:00
This is Kevin at the moment. In a few moments he may not be there. He may be in bed. He reminds me of a phantom. I'll think I know where he is, but then he's not there. His back hurts all of the time (although the painkillers seem to help a bit), so he's constantly trying to get comfortable.

He had a really good day Saturday, meaning that he was awake at least five hours and was more talkative. He hasn't vomited since Thursday, which is a huge blessing. His swallowing has improved, and he's been able to keep food down (mostly cereal and Gatorade). Yesterday was another especially bad day in his estimation, which means PAIN. He was only up for walking two houses up because of the nausea. Whereas, this past weekend he was able to walk around the block. He has bad days and he has better days.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a horrible communicator. Even people who read this blog ask me questions that I think I've answered. I'm sorry!

Here is the lowdown:

We expect a call from Mayo today saying that insurance has approved the biopsy of the enlarged lymph nodes in his chest. We expect that the biopsy will happen this week.
The main things they are checking for with the biopsy are 1)lymphoma and 2)sarcoidosis/neurosarcoidosis
We have 1 week and 1 day left to receive the results from blood tests taken in Winona. These tests are looking for Lyme disease and other bacteria.
Tomorrow he has an appointment with an expert in homeopathy (which is another avenue we have chosen to explore).
He sleeps most of the day. He has numbness in his fingers. He is fatigued. He has trouble with other bodily functions. He still has Bell's Palsy. At times he has burning pain in his arms. His eyes are very dry. His spine hurts. He feels like he's missing out on life, especially with Mackenzie, Isaak, and me.

Saturday we had a living room full of dear friends who came to pray for and encourage us. That was truly wonderful. And my sister, Nikki, came to visit this weekend, to spend time with me, which was also truly wonderful.

Interminable

2010-08-08T14:53:00.017-05:00
Interminable: adj. 1.Being or seeming to be without an end; endless. 2.Tiresomely long; tedious.

I used to like the word interminable. It's a fabulous word when you really want to exaggerate. "The line at Walmart was interminable!" "This red light is interminable!" "That sermon was interminable!"

But now . . . Kevin's illness is interminable. I hate the interminable wait for test results and insurance approvals. The days seem interminably long.

On the other hand, I don't like the word terminal. Of course it has lots of meanings, including places where you leave from to travel, and that sounds kind of nice, right now. It would be fun to take a trip--to Hawaii--for instance. And I suppose it's a nice way to say you fired an employee--so passive: "He was terminated." But it surely became a really icky word when someone decided to attach it to the word illness. Terminal: Causing, ending in, or approaching death; fatal.

Not for a moment do I think that Kevin has a terminal illness. It feels interminable. It's the worst traffic jam we've ever been in.

The Girl With the Curl

2010-08-05T15:59:00.014-05:00

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good;
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

This is a bit of an explanation of my post Good and Bad, in response to Naomi's comment, "I don't understand your nursery rhyme."

Of course this nursery rhyme is about a little girl who is sometimes sweet and good and sometimes downright naughty. The day when I was writing about the darkness of our situation and Kevin's good and bad days, this nursery rhyme kept coming into my mind and took on new meaning for me. What a charmed life I've lived, so good--very very good. And this bad stuff is horrid. Naturally, I only want the good, not the bad. I love, or at least identify with, the little girl with the curl because she is at times very very good and other times she is horrid. That's a picture of the truth of our existence. I don't always like it, but it's familiar. And the horrid makes me really appreciate the good. Life is kind of like the little girl with the curl.

What's Normal

2010-08-04T14:56:00.008-05:00
Events and even moments in our family's experience have taken on such a strange dichotomy. As I look back at pictures from July, in particular, it's so clear how we can present to the world whatever reality or "truth" that we want to show them. Look at these pictures. We are able (and must) continue to live life, have fun, laugh with friends, and do chores even though there's something yucky lurking nearby: sickness. We had fun in July. We made some fun memories. Even though Kevin was asleep inside the house, miserable, we had to "ignore" him, in a sense. Isn't that odd? But that's the what we have to do: laugh, talk, pray, cry, sleep, eat, and deal with it. I'm saying this in a way as a defense of these photos, which probably is unnecessary. There's this part of me that wants to prove that Kevin's sickness has been really awful for him, for the whole family. But I also know that it's not the worst thing that can happen to a person or to a family. He suffers, we pray, I cry, we all want life to get back to "normal." In a way I think we go on in a sort of state of denial or forgetting that it's not really the way it should be.

With that being said, here is some of the normal of July . . .

Isaak went on a mission trip to inner-city Cleveland the last week of July, and Mackenzie and Susi had a party at our house. They had a fabulous time hanging out, playing four-square and Catch-phrase, jumping on the trampoline, eating pizza, and just chilling.
We played hours of games (Susi and I, in particular). We went to Toy Story 3. We went shopping. We ate out (a lot). We went on walks. We drank coffee and ate ice cream. Between all of this were rehearsals for Oliver! and doctor appointments.
July 2010 is over.

Northern Minnesota Get-Away

2010-08-03T17:07:00.003-05:00

Susanna, our exchange student from Germany, who lived with us all of last year, came to visit for the month of July. Two days after Susi arrived, we headed north for a relaxing time with friends and family. We stayed with our friends Chris and Tiffany, spent a lot of time on the lake, and went to Concordia Language Village's International Day.

Isaak and Mackenzie with Christian (Tiff's son)

My nephew Isaiah and niece Emma

Niece Elle

Emma

Niece Olivia

Chris and Tiffany
Tiff's daughter Abbie and my nephew Micah (he had his thumb up the whole time to go faster)!

Kevin "relaxing" (he fell asleep any time, anywhere--this was the beginning of the crash after his course of steroids)
Kristi relaxing (in the hammock)

Chris, my sister-in-law, Tiffany, and Nikki, my sister

Isaak and my brother, Keith

My nephew Ethan

Mackenzie and Isaak can't resist a good climbing tree.

Tiffany and me. She screamed the whole time.

Mackenzie, Isaak, and Susi took the first tube ride. They rode it sideways and took a pretty rough spill. Susi bruised her eyelid and never got on it again.

Mackenzie and Olivia enjoying s'mores.

At the Concordia Language Village International Day.

Kevin was dancing in his own little world.

Pirate's Cove Miniature Golf in Brainerd

This was Susi's first time ever to miniature golf!
The kids stayed one night with our friends Pat and Alisa and their six children.
They slept in the tree house with Connor and Sarah.
A rousing game of kickball.

Kristi and Alisa
Alisa made us a huge brunch. She always spoils us with delicious food!

Road Trips

2010-08-02T19:06:00.006-05:00
Kevin had an appointment this afternoon with a Lyme literate doctor in Winona. Mostly this consisted of telling his story all over again. She will also do blood work, which includes a Lyme test and several other tests. Unfortunately, he has to have it done before 9:00 am tomorrow morning, so we've decided to drive back to Winona in the morning. We are grateful that it isn't really that far. It's a blessing that it's so close! The bonus is that we can stop at the famous Bloedow's Bakery and bring some doughnuts home for the kids (and me, of course)! The worst part of all of this is that it will take two weeks to get the results of the tests. Ugh!

Today, Kevin also got a call from his neurologist at Mayo. She said she received the results of his blood test for sarcoidosis. In medical terminology (which is all I have for you), he has elevated angiotensin converting enzyme, which is indicative of sarcoidosis, but not diagnostic. She also believes that if it were lymphoma, he wouldn't be able to walk. He's been sick for too long without treatment. We're still waiting on insurance to approve the biopsy of the enlarged mediastinal lymph nodes, which may give more evidence about this illness.
This was just one of two road-trips important to our family today. At this moment, Susi's plane is taking off from Minneapolis. Because we were so anxious to get this appointment for a second opinion, we had to make a stinky choice. Instead of driving her up there ourselves, we accepted our friends' offer to drive her there, and for Mackenzie and Isaak to go along. Thanks, Dan and Marin! Kevin has felt so much guilt because of his inability take part in family activities, and having to sleep most of the month that Susi was visiting just added to his guilt. Of course, she understands, and we were still able to make some fun memories. I promise my next post will be FUN. I'll share the best pictures of July.

Good and Bad

2010-07-30T23:48:00.010-05:00

After writing my last couple of posts about Kevin, I realized how unemotional and detached I've sounded. I've been thinking about that, really, about all the ways I've reacted in the past seven months.

The posts on here and on Facebook are easy for me to evaluate. I know that there are a lot of people who want to know the answer to the question, "How is Kevin?" Whether they really want to know about his feelings or my feelings or the kids' feelings, I'm not sure. Perhaps not. And so I think I try to spare those of you who may not want to know. I think some people probably want "just the facts, ma'am." And the other reason I've stuck to the "facts" is because it's so hard to balance all of this--facts and feelings and fear and . . . So, if I give the facts in one post and the feelings in another, readers can pick and choose, right? Which do I want? Do I really want both?

I'm muddling through this right now, trying to choose words. Trying not to be brilliant. Just honest.

There is so much to balance when someone you love is sick. How do I love him and show compassion, yet not be consumed with worry, fear, and the desire to find all the answers? What does trusting God mean? Does it mean that I pray all the time about this or that I pray briefly, and say, "It's all in Your hands." How do I remain "strong" as a wife and mother, not show my emotions too much, yet not hide them too much either? How do I ask for help from friends, for prayer, for encouragement, yet not become a burden or a downer? What do I do about loneliness? Because it's very lonely when your best friend is sick. How do I comfort him, love him, and serve him when I feel so helpless?

Since last Friday, Kevin has been more fatigued than usual, sleeping approximately 21 hours a day, either sitting on the sofa, or laying on one of the sofas or in bed (or in the car or in the waiting room of the doctor). He sometimes groans and twitches a lot in his sleep at night. I have unreasonable fear occasionally, especially right before falling asleep--I check on him to make sure he's breathing, or I touch him to make sure his skin is warm. He's so small, so thin. Last weekend when he tried to eat, he'd choke on his food (swallowing has become a problem), and he vomited repeatedly. Yesterday he said his body felt like it was burning and that he wanted to scream. He cried for the first time about this (at least in my presence). He kept trying to get into a comfortable position, but couldn't. And I wanted to scream, too. In my mind I kept seeing the word, "HELP!"

He decided to take a warm shower, suggesting that I call a friend to talk. I carried the phone around with me, pacing, praying, and rocking. Who can I unload on? And the phone rang. A friend. She called to check on us, prompted by her husband--they were prompted by God. She listened to me cry and she cried and prayed with me. And immediately after that we received another phone call from a friend of a friend, who shared his story of illness with us. And within an hour of feeling despair and fear and utter helplessness, we felt buoyed by hope.

Crazy thing--Kevin had a great day today. He was awake much more and had energy to accomplish a few tasks, and he cracked some lame jokes--wonderful lame jokes. I'm thankful for today. There are these times when he perks up, and people may wonder if it's really all that bad. All I know is that when it's especially bad, it feels like darkness is closing in. And when he has a good day like today, it's like sunshine.

The Mother Goose nursery rhyme keeps repeating in my thoughts:

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good;
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Food, Glorious Food

2010-07-30T01:23:00.020-05:00
It's 1:23 am. I'm hungry. My stomach is growling. I can't sleep.

Food. Food. Once again, food has become my drug of choice, my idol of the moment, my self-medication. With Kevin's illness I ocillate between either recognizing I am a child of God, wholly dependent on Him, or comforting myself with food. After several months of disciplined eating and losing 30 pounds, I'm finding myself on a slippery slope.

I watch as my husband no longer takes pleasure in food. In May he lost his "taste." Everything became bitter to him. His tastebuds were back to normal for a few weeks, but he now describes a metallic taste in his mouth (although he was able to enjoy part of a strawberry shake tonight). Since Kevin has Bell's Palsy and trouble swallowing now, eating has become a chore. A few hours ago he said the other side of his mouth (lips) felt numb and wondered if he would have to have a feeding tube if both sides become paralyzed. But let's not go there.

In May, I finished reading Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist out loud to Kevin, Mackenzie, and Isaak. Also, Mackenzie has been performing in the musical Oliver! this month. Last Saturday she brought up the topic of food, in particular, the famous line of the book that gets Oliver in trouble at the orphanage: "Please, sir. I want some more." Oliver Twist is not only an orphan, he is abused, hated, and starving. He needs more, and he knows it. I thought about Ephesians 1:5 where it says that long ago God planned to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. He wants us to enter into his lavish gift-giving and no longer be orphans. And in the gospel of John, Jesus says He would not leave us as orphans. Dickens' story ends happily as Oliver is adopted into a loving family. His bowl is overflowing. We can have that too--from the Father.

Incidentally, the very next book I read was called Olive Kitteridge (not recommended), and the most striking line of the story is Olive's: "We're all starving." Yes! And if I could, I'd paste the director's notes from Oliver! right here, since Daved Driscoll elaborates on the symbolism of spiritual nourishment in this story. The hungry orphans open the story by singing about glorious food. We're all starving, and we need and desire not just food--but Glorious Food!

Last Sunday, the pastor's sermon title was, "What are you hungry for?"

And then Monday, Mackenzie, Susi, and I watched the movie Julie & Julia--theme: food! Julia Child's husband asks her, "What do you really like to do?" And she says, "Eat!" and they both burst out laughing. I want to eat, too! I want--I need Jesus, the Bread of Life, the Living Water. Why do I think I'm hungry for something else? As if anything else could satisfy. I don't ever want to go hungry again. I want more food, Glorious Food!
-------------------------------
Yesterday I made angel food cake, which I thought would be a nice soft treat that Kevin could eat without choking. After removing the cake, I put the pan in the sink and filled it with water to soak. Later on, Kevin asked me who had eaten the crumbly stuff in the pan (which we like to scrape off and eat, usually) and I told him that there really wasn't much of anything in it. He said, "Yah, I thought so. I scraped some out." I asked him, "You ate that after I filled it up with water?" And he said, "It was soggy, so I thought it would go down without making me choke, and it did!" I got a good laugh. That's the Kevin I know--gross food eater.

Oliver!

2010-07-29T13:03:00.007-05:00
This is the last weekend to see Oliver! Info here. Mackenzie is having a fabulous time playing one of the pickpockets in Fagin's Gang.

Mystery Illness

2010-07-28T14:55:00.008-05:00
The last few days have been pretty rough for Kevin. His health seems to be plummeting. He is so tired that he only gets out of bed or off the couch a few times a day. He spent the weekend nauseated and vomiting, but was able to get some medication for that on Monday. His Bell's Palsy is worse, and he's having trouble swallowing. He's now drinking shakes and eating pudding, and is going to try refried beans today. He's lost a few more pounds, which puts him at 147. Vision in his right eye is blurry.

Yesterday he spent 3 hours on the table for his MRI and had another spinal tap/lumbar puncture. (Incidentally, he had a student who nicked a nerve, which led to pain in his leg and him calling out, "Ow! Ow! Ow!").

Today we met with his new neurologist. Here's the breakdown:

1. There doesn't appear to be any noticeable inflammation.

2. Things look good--spinal cord, brain, etc.

3. The only curious thing is that he has some mediastinal (in the chest) lymph nodes showing up. The doctor was excited about that because it's about the only thing she has to go forward with. So, once insurance approves it, they will take a biopsy of the lymph (incision through the chest), and see what shows up. She's looking at two possibilities: 1)sarcoidosis (an inflammatory disease) or 2)lymphoma He's been tested for this before, and it's been negative.

Kevin also has an appointment this next Thursday morning with a Lyme literate doctor in Winona. Once again, the neurologist assured us that it is not Lyme disease.

But here's the thing: this is a controversial topic among medical doctors. Kevin's symptoms fit completely with the stages of Lyme disease (amazingly!). Check this article out. "Lyme Disease: The Great Imitator." Kevin did not have a rash, that he can remember, but 50% of Lyme patients do not have it. As for the other possibilities of diseases, the symptoms don't fit nearly as closely.

This is where we're at. It feels really crazy that Kevin is seeing doctors at the world-famous Mayo Clinic, and we want to go to a tiny town in Minnesota to get a second opinion. But that's what we need to do.

Please pray for us to have wisdom, clear-thinking, and patience. Please pray that Kevin will be healed and that there will be no permanent effects from this mystery illness.

Lyme Disease Controversy

2010-07-23T08:11:00.014-05:00

It's been a roller coaster of a week. In addition to all of his other symptoms, Kevin is nauseated and vomiting occasionally. He has also developed Bell's Palsy.

After having had several people mention Lyme Disease to me, and having recalled two autobiographies I read in the past several years of women with Lyme, I decided to make some phone calls and do a bit of research.

The long and short of it is this: chronic Lyme disease is a controversial topic in the medical field.

1: Some physicians rely on a more narrow surveillance case criteria of the CDC (Center for Disease Control & Prevention) for clinical diagnosis. These physicians may not diagnose some patients who actually have Lyme disease.

2. Other physicians use broader clinical criteria for diagnosing Lyme disease. They believe it is better to err on the side of treatment (longer use of antibiotics) because of the serious consequences of not treating Lyme disease. This approach may result in a tendency to over diagnose and over treat Lyme disease.

Kevin has had two negative Lyme disease tests. Our doctor and Mayo doctors go with #1.

Kevin's symptoms completely coincide with all the information we're reading about chronic Lyme disease. So, what's the problem? It's similar to the way in which some doctors view chiropractic care as "quack" medicine. You're thought to be naive and ready to accept any diagnosis to get treatment.

Kevin's doctor has been wonderful, and found a way to get Kevin an appointment with a different neurologist at Mayo yesterday. She was extremely attentive and proactive. She has concluded that Kevin's diagnosis of post-Mono myelitis is not cutting it. That basically means he had some virus which has caused inflammation. She has ordered another spinal tap and MRI, which should happen in the next few days. The Bell's Palsy started the night before he saw her, which he views as a blessing because it is definitive, and it was especially indicative to the doctor that there is "something more going on."

Other good news, we've found another preferred provider in Winona (meaning our insurance will cover treatment) who is from camp #2. Kevin is pursuing a referral to see her. This is a big deal, considering the controversy. Many doctors will not do the additional testing unless they have a private practice and don't take insurance.

We are praying for clear guidance from God in all of these decisions. We're also praying for protection from evil.

It's been a tough few weeks with an amazing amount of breakage in appliances/electronics/cars in our home.

Here's a link about Lyme Disease.

He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me

2010-07-16T10:33:00.007-05:00
Well, Kevin just called me after leaving his neurologist at Mayo Clinic. The gist of it: you don't have a neurological issue. Go to your general practitioner. So, Kevin is being tossed back and forth between his family doctor and Mayo. There's not a whole lot to report other than that he's in pain, he's having other yucky symptoms, and it's been seven months.

I know--we're not in control. God can heal. Satan may be attacking. God may be teaching us something through this. Kevin is the one in pain, so what does that mean for me, for Mackenzie and Isaak? Of course I feel anxiety knowing my husband is not "himself," that he's in pain, that he's discouraged. I love him, so I want the best for him. And I must face my own selfishness, that I hate the way this affects us, our relationship, our day-to-day stuff. And I wonder what God is up to--and I also know that I'm to trust Him, to rest in Him, to live for Him, to be at peace no matter what.

But I still say things like, "Maybe God hates me. I'm not good enough, so He's punishing me." My husband is in pain, and I think it's about me?Today God has been speaking to me, words of reprimand--and--words of love. Although I suppose when it comes down to it, they're the same thing. I opened my devotional book Jesus Calling this morning and the first words on the page are: "Self pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound. Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth." (Psalm 40:2-3).

And then I opened my My Utmost for His Highest. "How much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask Him?" (Matthew 7:11). "Jesus is laying down rules of conduct for those who have His Spirit. By the simple argument of these verses He urges us to keep our minds filled with the notion of God's control behind everything, which means that the disciple must maintain an attitude of perfect trust and an eagerness to ask and to seek . . . There are times, says Jesus, when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but trust Him. God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural Father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not."

I think what is behind my anger, frustration, despair that I have felt so often in life (which I chalked up to my being selfish and self-centered) is perhaps a fear of not being loved, by people or by God. My friend Donna wrote me an e-mail this week, telling me that God loves me. And the end of her message she wrote, "I love you." Are you thinking, duh? What's the big deal? But it's big! I don't believe that God loves me. That anyone would really love me.approach God as a child. Fresh. I started to read it yesterday, and in the Genesis story it says this, "Eve picked the fruit and ate some. And Adam ate some, too. And a terrible lie came into the world. It would never leave. It would live on in every human heart, whispering to every one of God's children: 'God doesn't love me.' And it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare."

Yes, I think when they ate the fruit they believed that God didn't have their best in mind, that he didn't love them. And I do believe that lie. Forgive me, Father.

My Man on the Mend

2010-06-29T10:11:00.002-05:00
Here's an update on Kevin's health: he's feeling fabulous! Every day he talks about how good he feels. He's walking on air. The steroids seem to be doing the trick. He's full of energy, talks about how much he's enjoying going to work, and when he's home he's working in the yard and garden for hours.

Praise God! I can't tell you how good it is to see him acting like his old self. To not see him in pain in such a relief!

So many people have been praying, and we're so glad to know that we've been supported and loved. Thank you!

I'm certainly a pessimist, so I keep thinking that he's going to have a relapse and that this is just a temporary fix. But, I am hoping for the best. May this illness now be a thing of the past.

In Sickness and In Health

2010-06-23T14:41:00.001-05:00
I know it's not a flattering picture. But, the other day I was shocked to really look at Kevin and see what his illness has done to him physically. It's been six months now since he was diagnosed with mono. So many of you have been asking about him and praying for him. Thank you, thank you! It's been a rough time for him: pain, weakness, headaches, muscle loss, down 37 pounds, and other crazy symptoms. His doctor referred him to Mayo a couple of weeks ago, which has led to quite a list of tests. Finally, last week the neurologist told him, "You don't have MS, ALS, Syphilis, or Lyme's." The diagnosis at this point is post-viral myelitis--he has inflammation of the spine, which is wreaking all kinds of havoc. On Friday he began the first of five I.V. steroid infusions, two-hours each.

Yesterday he went in for his last infusion and when the nurse said the date was June 22, Kevin exclaimed, "What!" He realized it was our wedding anniversary. I thought it would be interesting to see if he'd remember it, so I hadn't told him. But yesterday he came in the house with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. What a man--even when he's sick, he's an awesome husband. I can say for the first time in 19 years, I understand just a little of that vow "in sickness and in health." Chronic illness is horrible, not just for the patient, but for the whole family. I know I really can't imagine how exhausting and stressful it is for families struggling with disease. I am (we are) so grateful for all of you who have asked and asked and prayed and prayed.

Kevin is already beginning to feel better and experience fewer symptoms since Friday! I'm not going to say he's in good health quite yet, but we're hoping for the best. Maybe he'll be able to get up on his rollerblades yet this summer without falling down!

Climbing the Wall

2010-06-19T15:59:00.000-05:00
It's been two years since I went to ARC, a retreat near Cambridge, Minnesota. I spent another 48 hours alone there this week. Last time I stayed in the hermitage, but this time I opted for indoor plumbing, staying in the cottage, an adorable and comfortable log cabin.

In the past six months, God has been revealing some huge truths to me about my fears and about the ways in which I try to control or that I control or try to contain my fears. I even feel terrified to write about my fear here because I don't want anyone to make me accountable, in a sense. But it's this: I've wanted to be a writer since I was a small child. I have a need to communicate through writing, through art. And the fear shouldn't be much of a surprise: failure. Failure. Failure. It taunts me. I've been reading several books about the Christian and the creative impulse, the creative gift, about who God has designed us to be. For so long I've heard this niggling voice that says, "You think you should write. You probably aren't even any good. And what a waste of time. How unproductive. How can you possibly be a responsible wife and mother and spend time being frivolous." And even as God has been speaking truth to me about who I am, I still, like Moses, say, I can't do it.

And during that 48 hours I ignored the very topic of conversation that He kept bringing up. I'd pick up a book to distract. There was this wall in front of me, and I was too overwhelmed by it's height, it's breadth, it's solidness. How could I possibly climb it? I can't! I can't! But He kept saying to me, "I made you to do this. You think too much about the product, about the end, about the goal. It's the process you need to enter into. Because I want to express Myself through you, for you to be a co-creator with Me." Do you understand? God is to be glorified. Through me. Through each person. But I make it about me. So, finally, I grabbed hold of a crack in the wall with one hand and found another for a foot, and I began the climb. I began. And that's all that matters right now. And I want to keep climbing even though I'm still afraid.

Books:
The Creative Call by Janice Elsheimer
Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle
Scribbling in the Sand by Michael Card

A Midsummer Night's Dream

2010-06-19T15:47:00.006-05:00

Come to a FREE show in the park. It's hilarious--and Mackenzie and Isaak are in it. It's Shakespeare like you've never seen it before! CLICK FOR DETAILS.

Mom

2010-05-09T12:35:00.017-05:00

Dear Mom,
We love...
your crazy very loud laugh (we love it because it's crazy and loud), We love that you've read out loud to us ever since we can remember; sometimes late into the night with cries of "Read more! Read more!", We love that you match your coffee cup to your clothes (even though we always make fun of you for it), We love that you've taught us to find joy in reading, We love when you become extremely obsessed with a project and stay up until all hours of the night working on them, We love that one face you make when you look in the mirror (the one where you involuntarily pucker your lips and raise your eyebrows), We love that you've taught us to be people who pray, We love that you're like uber competitive to the point of violent screaming in all board games and four square, We love that you got your nose pierced when you were thirty-six years old (OLD!), We love it that you've said OWeee OWeee Owweee Owweee Owweee in the same vocal pattern for the last 15 years of our lives, We love how you decorate the house with lots of bright cheery colors and we're proud that everyone thinks that we have a beautifully decorated house, We love your sporadic obsession with children's video and computer games which you play until 2 in the morning, We love that you always make us muffins on the morning of our birthdays, We love your determination to lose 25 pounds and DOING IT!, We love that when you wake up in the morning your hair suggests that you've been in a tornado rather than sleeping peacefully in your bed, We love how you don't really know how to run and you do that little run/jog thing, We love that you have the same fears as us and you're honest about them, We love that you love to write and want to start again, We love that you're not a nerdy homeschool mom, We love that you're loving and generous, We love that you give us random gifts on random normal days, We love that you adore European games, and we love to play them with you, We love that you suddenly knew a year ago that we should have a foreign exchange student named Susanna Berger come live with us and wouldn't rest until she was here, We love that you're a bargain shopper and teach us to follow in your footsteps, We love it that you think we're funny and laugh at our jokes, We love that you're a techi geek, We love that you're creative in everything you do, We love that you rock out at Family Force 5 concerts with us, We love that you convince Dad to let us do fun stuff with our friends, We love that you're determined to take us in for school pictures every year (even though we hate it!!), We love that you're totally self-less and you drive everyone EVERYWHERE!, We love it that you showed us scary videos when we were eight and nine and then felt terrible about it(haha!!), We love it that you cook dinner for us every single night, We love that you made us cupcakes for your birthday when you were on a diet, We love how you reheat your coffee 42 times every morning and then never drink it, We love that you're organized, We love it that you've diligently scrapbooked our whole lives, We love that you're not narrow minded, We love that you always do what it takes to make our birthdays special, We love that you give up all of your interests and dreams to let us pursue our interests and dreams, We love that you're brutally honest,We love that you write poetry, We love that you spend time with Jesus in the morning, We love that you care about what we're interested in, I love when you call me KenzieGirl (Kenzie girl is just one word), We love that you're a great hostess, We love that you've taught us that God speaks to us and how to listen, We love that you've given up 15 years of your life to stay home and teach us. It means the world to us.
Happy Mother's Day.
Mackenzie Nichole and Isaak-Gill

A Day of Dying

2010-02-03T15:00:00.004-06:00

Here's what fear looks like (not to mention what hideous looks like).
I decided to bleach the other color out of my hair before applying the new one--a fresh start, so to speak. And this is what it looked like. Ugly, if not completely terrifying.

Here's what total relief looks like.
I can handle a bad hair day, as long as the hair isn't orange and straw-like.

Eras of Christmas

2010-01-21T15:25:00.017-06:00
Starting last summer, Mackenzie and I began working on a very special project together: researching the history of Christmas and shopping, shopping, shopping. After many hours of work, we were able to display our finished Eras of Christmas living rooms in the Mayowood Stone Barn as part of Words Players' production of "A Christmas Carol." I'm afraid the photos don't really convey the feeling of stepping back in time--it was a whole lot more authentic in person! It was so fun to hear exclamations as people remembered their childhood Christmases as they stood in front of the displays.

Tree from the 40s era. It's decked out with a waterfall of tinsel, Shiny Brite ornaments gathered from antique stores, flea markets, and garage sales, American flags, very large multi-colored lights, paper chains, and paper lanterns.
Living Room from the 30s/40s era complete with old radio broadcasting 40s Christmas tunes and the drama "A Christmas Carol" starring Lionel Barrymore as Scrooge. Click here to see more pictures and to read Mackenzie's short piece about this era, entitled "The War Years and Christmas."
50s/60s Era with aluminum Christmas Tree illuminated by a rotating color wheel. The black and white T.V. showed "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Read "The Space Age and Christmas" by Mackenzie.
We couldn't light the candles on our Victorian tree or we would have had a fire! The Victorian Era was the trickiest since we had to make our own ornaments (paper dolls, cornocopias, and strung popcorn and cranberries) and create wrapping paper, and borrow items from Antiques Oronoco.

An ornament I made from an 1890's Santa "scrap" that I bought at an antique store. Read more about "A Victorian Christmas" from Mackenzie.

When Bad News is Good News

2010-01-20T12:35:00.006-06:00
Have you ever thought about how grateful you would feel for yucky circumstances or a sickness or something breaking in your house if you knew you'd been given that "bad" thing instead of some other "worse" thing. I was thinking about that last week. I was reflecting about my dad and all the heart problems he's had in the past ten years--how he's seemed to have escaped death several times, and the sad reality that I take his life for granted. And if he hadn't been with us for the past ten years I know I would have done my best to help Mackenzie and Isaak know him through my memories of him, through stories. If there were two possible realities (the one we have and one that's worse), and we always thought of our circumstances as the best reality, we'd be so thankful!

Kevin has been feeling bad for a few weeks--achy joints, weak, night sweats . . . and then on the way home from winter camp on Monday he started to get chills and a fever. He had already gone to the doctor last week and was given no prognosis. Today he went back. The doctor, himself, called Kevin with the "good" news this morning. He has mononucleosis. When he said he had good news, I thought that was odd until I heard that the doctor was quite concerned. Mono isn't very common in 40 year-olds, and the symptoms he's having are similar to early symptoms of someone who has lymphoma. It sounds like the doctor assumed the worst, but was thrilled by the good news. Before getting the results, the doctor told Kevin, "What I hate is that bad things seem to happen to nice guys. And you're a nice guy."

And so, on this very ordinary, somewhat boring day, where my house is not exactly clean and I need to correct biology, algebra, and French, and listen to the Aeneid with my children, I'm so incredibly grateful--grateful to God that my best friend, my husband, has mono and not cancer. It's a good day.

Where or Where Has My Little Boy Gone?

2010-01-16T01:00:00.004-06:00

Isaak is 14!

Here's what Isaak looked like just a year ago . . .

I love you. I love that you feel things so strongly. I love that you sense others pain and that it hurts you, too. I love that you can open jars for me. I love that you get rid of bugs and spiders for me. I love that you're motivated to having a healthy body. I love that you clean out your sister's hair from the bathtub drain even if it's disgusting--her words: "I thought that was a squirrel." I love to hear you sing. I love how hard you're working you to learn guitar. I love how you save money for more expensive things like guitars and synthesizers. I love that you explain to me what you're learning about guitar. I love that you have such a wide range of music tastes. I love that you sing with Mackenzie while doing the dishes. I love that you like to make pancakes and waffles and frost cupcakes. I love that you write on your own Blog even though it's disappointing when you don't have readers. I love that make me laugh with your one-liners. I love that you go to the grocery store with Dad even when you really don't want to. I love that you're spontaneous. I love that you're persistent. I love how you don't always have to enter into a conversation, but sit quietly listening. I love that you want to know Jesus. I love that you were sad Susi was leaving months before she left. I love that you spend time with your younger cousins even though you probably have no idea how much they look up to you. I love that you love to read and reserve books at the library. I love that you still love to play. I love that you do crazy things like sneeze extremely loud (on purpose) in a quiet public place and give Mackenzie piggy-back rides in Wal-Mart. I love that you peek in gift bags because I "get that"--you're like me. I love that you're taller than me. I love your curly hair. I love that your voice hasn't completely changed yet. I love that you talk about "my children . . . " I love that it that you're discerning about the characters of others. I love that you're confident enough to talk to adults and ask questions. I love the anger you express about things that are wrong. I love the time you spend and the motivation you have to know about things that interest you--you've been this way since you were a toddler (dinosaurs, Legos, Battlefront, Heroscape, football cards, drawing, guitar, bands). I love that you have fun with crazy pseudonyms like Bormik and Isaak Gil-apostrophe (even if I think they're kinda weird). I love the crazy faces you make. I love the fun profile pictures you take for Facebook. I love to hear you in your room listening to the Bible on CD. I love that you can't hide your feelings--its how I know when something is wrong. I love that you're learning that you're God's child and a worthy person even when people are fickle (and I'm sorry it hurts to learn it). I love how smart you are (and learn things very easily) and that you don't even know it. I love that you've chosen Godly men as role models--what do you think that says about you? :) I love your sense of humor. I love your laugh. I love it when I come to bed and you're asleep beside Dad. I love that you go into detail when telling me about something you're really interested in. I love that you love performing on the stage. I love knowing you're stronger than me. I love the man you're becoming. But there are a lot of things I'm missing about the little boy you were. I love that God surprised me with you, Isaak.

My Little Girl is 15

2010-01-13T21:38:00.014-06:00

I love you. I love your hugs. I love your smile. I love your passion. I love your sense of style. I love seeing you worship. I love that you include people when others don't notice. I love it that you stay up at night to write. I love that you’re not obsessed with Facebook, name brands, or boys. I love that you want to know Jesus more than anything. I love your faith. I love how generous you are with your money and time. I love how diligently you practice piano (and that you love it!). I love how committed you are to whatever you join, even when you want to quit. I love your honesty. I love your transparency. I love that you want to know people more than on the surface. I love your Ruprecht face. I love your funky dance moves. I love it that you still wrestle your Dad and brother. I love how tough you are. I love how feminine you are. I love it when you say, “Daddy.” I love the crazy things you sometimes say, like, “I want a romantic stalker.” I love how helpful you are. I love what a thinker you are. I love your creativity. I love your independence. I love your dependence. I love that you sing all the time and don’t worry about what people think. I love that you get piggy-back rides from Isaak in Wal-Mart. I love that you are so careful with money. I love that you have conversations with little children. I love that you’re conscientious. I love that you cry when you defend God’s truth and hurt for those who want Him and don’t even know it. I love your humility. I love your lavender 60’s long jacket and how excited you get to find treasures at flea markets and thrift stores. I love your many hats. I love how angry you get when the movie isn’t anything like the book. I love that it it took me an hour to talk you into buying the red hightops that you really wanted. I love that you want days alone to read (with family around, but not bothering you). I love that you read Shakespeare, Thorton Wilder, poetry, and lots of other stuff that hasn't been assigned for "school." I love that that one of your favorite things to do is cuddle up on the couch to hear Grandpa read. I love that you try new things (and if you're afraid--you don't let it show: swing dancing). I love how you speak your mind and want to do what's right. I love your talkativeness. I love your friendliness. I love that when you buy something at the store you speak to the cashier by name: "Thanks, Martha. Have a nice day!" I love that you say things like, "I don't need a cell phone. I don't need anything. You don't have to give me gifts." I love that you're so grateful and appreciative when you do receive. I love your optimism. I love your loyalty. I love that you apologize. I love how you care about the eternal. I love how you prioritize around relationships--even those that don't exist yet (as you talk about what will be best for your future family). I love that you walked around WalMart dressed like an old woman, saying it's more fun than going to a Halloween party. I love that you want to be a lily. I love things you say, like today, "I think you can go into a person's room and be able to tell who they are." I love that you have a Styrofoam head in your room with notes stuck into it with pins (even though I think it's ugly). I love that you're writing, and not afraid. I love that you blast soundtracks to Swing Kids, Wicked, Oliver, Hello, Dolly!, Phantom of the Opera, Seussical, The Fantastiks, and Fiddler on the Roof (even though it occasionally gets old). I love that you spent most of Christmas day reading Broadway Musicals: The 101 Greatest Shows of All Time. I love to hear you pray. I love that you're not attention-seeking. I love that you get excited about choosing flowers with Dad and designing the beds and pots. I love that you love old black and white movies and Monster's Inc. and Up and Ratatouille. I love to hear you practicing French. I love that you're spontaneous. I love that you're committed to exercising (where did you learn that?). I love that age (younger or older) doesn't matter to you when it comes to friendships. I love that you decided you wanted to continue studying at home through high school. I love that I love so much about you that I could go on for hours. I love that you're my friend and that God allowed--allowed me the great privilege and joy of experiencing life with you these past 15 years.

A Christmas Carol

2009-11-24T08:52:00.004-06:00

Here's what I've been doing for the last two months in addition to regular life, ie. homeschooling, redecorating my basement, etc.
I promise to get back blogging--I haven't even read anyone's blogs in months because it makes me feel guilty about not keeping up with mine!
I won't bore you with all the details of what I've been doing with "A Christmas Carol" but I hope to have pictures up eventually.
In addition to being on the production team for the show, our whole family is in the cast. It's Kevin's acting debut and my return to the stage after a 20 year hiatus.
Four shows are sold out already. Here are the details: http://www.northlandwords.org/

Guestbook--Please Say Hi!

2009-11-10T16:25:00.000-06:00
I thought it would be fun to see who's visiting us. I know some of you don' t care to make comments, but if you'd just like to give a Gomer & Goober "hey!" that would be welcome, too! (Andy Griffith reference, in case you're not a fan). Just click on comments for this guest book. Shazam!

Take My Stuff

2009-09-01T16:35:00.008-05:00

Hey all of you Locals--I'm having a garage sale.
Doesn't that sound like a fun way to spend Labor Day weekend!
Friday, September 4, 9-2
Saturday, September 5, 8-2
Here's a little preview:
Daybed
Twin mattress
Trundle
Full Mattress
Small Desk
Collectible Doll House
Miniature furniture kits
China (16 place-setting)
Framed Art
Crystal bowls
Teacups
Holiday Decor
Books
Booster Seat
Baby Gates
Doll Dresser
Bed Spreads
Curtains
Small Electrics
Lamps
CD Racks
Beanie Babies
Puzzles and Games
Fluorescent Light
Creative Memories
Scooter
Laptop Bag
Rugs
Stereo Speakers
Hiking Packs
Computer mouse and keyboard
Sprint Cell Phones
School-age misc.
Boys size 14
Girls size 16
Fabric Remnants
Tons of Miscellaneous!

Update on 112 Things

2009-08-29T05:00:00.000-05:00
Update since I made this list 7 months ago. Hey, I'm doing better than I thought!

1. ~~Take a camera/photography class.~~2. Take tennis lessons. 3. ~~Catch up on my scrapbooks.~~ 4. Lose 7 pounds. 5. Learn how to make pierogi from my Grandma Hattie. 6. Paint dining room table and chairs. 7. ~~Recover dining room chairs.~~ 8. Make a bag out of a t-shirt. 9. Go dancing with Kevin. 10. Start planning a trip to England. 11. Move to a smaller house. 12. Write poetry. 13. ~~Sew buttons on my red coat.~~ 14. Learn how to use my photo software. 15. Get all of our home videos onto DVD. 16. ~~Repaint the living room.~~ 17. ~~Repaint the dining room.~~ 18. Get a reliable vehicle. 19. Take a refresher ballroom dance class. 20. Stop drinking pop. 21. Host a home Bible study. 22. Take a writing class. 23. Get my varicose veins removed. 24. Go to a wine-tasting class. 25. Spend Christmas with just the four in our family. 26. Get a new mattress. 27. Say more positive words than negative ones. 28. Call Pampered Chef about my cracked (for no reason) stone. 29. Go to a fondue party (invite me!). 30. Have a reunion with my high school girl friends. 31. Get a new mailbox. 32. Go on a family vacation. 33. Get another piercing. 34. Learn Pilates. 35. Be unselfish with my time. 36. Act in a play. 37. Remake Nikki's mother's bracelet. 38. Get better at rollerblading. 39. Go downhill skiing. 40. Wear a swimsuit unashamedly. 41. Say I'm sorry more. 42. Start studying French. 43. Love like Jesus, a lot. 44. Dance in church. 45. Go on a weekend trip with Mackenzie. 46. ~~Help rescue someone.~~ 47. Read A Midsummer's Night Dream 48. Go to England. 49. Go on several weekend trips with Kevin. 50. Sit and do nothing sometimes. 51. Find a new friend. 52. Let my hair go gray (just kidding). 53. Rest one day a week. 54. Send regular letters to the kids we sponsor. 55. See Kevin learn to play guitar. 56. ~~Reconnect with my college roommate.~~ 57. Stop drinking coffee daily. 58. Eat more fruits and vegetables. 59. Give grace to people. 60. Give a really generous gift. 61. Read Anna Karenina 62. Throw a graduation party for Kevin. 63. Make a plate to match the one I made at Color Me Mine. 64. Get my sofas cleaned by a professional. 65. Take a class on web-design. 66. Rubberstamp more cards. 67. Go to bed earlier. 68. ~~Get rid of my teacup collection.~~ 69. Get a new bread machine (ours broke). 70. Host a backyard Bible club for kids. 71. ~~Change cell-phone company.~~ 72. Buy Isaak a keytar (Isaak wrote this one in while I was out of the room). 73. Try one new recipe a month. 74. Grocery shop only once a week. 75. Get back to learning Latin with the kids. 76. ~~Get sunglasses.~~ 77. ~~Type up our movie collection, which isn't big.~~ 78. ~~Type up our game collection.~~ 79. Greet Kevin when he comes home from work. 80. Throw out Rubbermaid that's missing lids. 81. Buy less at Christmas. 82. Send Easter cards. 83. Figure out what I'm going to do when my kids graduate from high school. 84. Take better care of my skin. 85. Go to a hermitage again. 86. Drink more water. 87. Look through all of the photo albums as a family night. 88. Pray as a family each night before bed. 89. Give more hugs. 90. ~~Learn to text.~~ 91. ~~Brag on Jesus.~~ 92. Ask people questions about themselves more. 93. Have weekly dates with my husband. 94. Start a game club. 95. Get more bookshelves. 96. Meditate on Scripture. 97. Forgive. 98. Take naps. 99. Listen. 100. Put the kids in charge of a meal each week. 101. ~~Make a bag out of placemats.~~ 102. Put myself in other people's shoes. 103. Pray for my enemies. 104. Smile at strangers. 105. ~~Throw away old Christmas cards.~~ 106. Get the piano tuned. 107. Go on monthly dates with Mackenzie and Isaak. 108. Let people know what I appreciate about them. 109. Surprise someone. 110. Start writing a memoir. 111. Keep my underwear and sock drawer organized. 112. Pray as easily as I breathe.

Show Me Your Glory

2009-08-28T06:00:00.005-05:00
I was painting the other day and had my Ipod on shuffle--that's hundreds of random songs on shuffle. Third Day's song "Show Me Your Glory" played and then the very next song to play was the live version of the same song from a different album. I thought, "Hmm. Better pay attention."

Here are the words:

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same

Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't on without You, Lord

When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again

Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You

First of all, the passion that they sing with--whenever Third Day sings, I sense the Spirit of God. The words to many of their songs are often very simple, but there's something.

In this song: I caught a glimpse of your splendor in the corner of my eye--that's all we can handle from God--a glimpse in the corner of the eye! And he says I'll never be the same. And once you've seen that or really experienced the majesty of God, the bigness, the awesomeness, you will never be the same, you will say, I can't go on without you, Lord!

What also really struck me is that he says, When I climb down the mountain (come down from this high of meeting with you) I won't settle for ordinary things and I won't rest 'til I see you again. Again. You don't say that unless you've met God. When someone says they can't rest until they see God again--that's the truth. It fills me with emotion. Show Me Your Glory is a love song. There are a lot of great songs out there about God or about what we need from God, but not a lot of love songs.

I think I love Third Day best because so many of their songs remind me, kindle my love for God my Father, my Rescuer. I love their honesty.

More Shelf Makeovers

2009-08-27T11:14:00.006-05:00
See the cabinet on the left. I got it a rummage sale fourteen years ago for $25. It's been used for a lot of different things over the years. First, I stored the kids baby clothes in it. Later I used it for storing Creative Memories supplies for my business. For the last six years it's been a storage cabinet for videos and DVDs.
This month I bought two cans of black flat spray painted and went to town. I didn't prime it--just sprayed. And voilà--in less than an hour it had a new look. And I had flecks of spray paint all over my body. By the way, I didn't wear a face mask when I spray painted my hanging shelf, and for about two weeks I had a crazy cough and felt strange in my chest. I think that stuff is pretty dangerous, even using it outside.

I like it!

Here's a another shelf I bought fourteen years ago at an estate auction for $10. I used no-sand on it, primed it and then spray painted it black. After that I painted it (with a brush) dark red so that the black shows through and then sprayed it with shellac. The thing remained sticky for days!
I don't love it, but I'm too worn out to care. It was either put it on the wall or throw it away.

Recipe for the Non-Gourmet: Chicken & Broccoli Braid

2009-08-27T08:30:00.005-05:00
Chicken & Broccoli Braid from the cookbook The Pampered Chef Main Dishes

Here's a recipe I don't make that often. I'm not sure why because it's delicious and only slightly putzy to make, with twisting the dough to braid.

Ingredients:
2 cups cooked chicken, chopped
1 cup broccoli, chopped
1/2 cup red bell pepper, chopped
1 garlic clove, pressed
4 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, shredded ( 1 cup)
1/2 cup mayo
1 tsp. dried dill weed
1/4 tsp. salt
2 packages (8 oz each) refrigerated crescent rolls
1 egg white, lightly beaten
2 tbl. slivered almonds
Preheat oven to 375ºF. Mix up the chicken, broccoli, red pepper, and garlic.
Mix in the cheese. Add mayo, dill, and salt.
Unroll 1 package of crescent dough; don't separate. Arrange longest sides of dough across width of rectangle stone/whatever you're cooking it on. Repeat with remaining package of dough. Roll dough with a pizza roller to seal perforations. On longest side of baking stone, cut dough into strips 1 1/2 inches apart, 3 inches deep with a knife. (There will be 6 inches in the center for filling).
Spread filling evenly over middle of dough. To braid, lift strips of dough across mixture to meet in center, twisting each strip one turn. Continue alternating strips to form a braid. Tuck ends up to seal at end of braid.
Brush egg white over dough using a pastry brush. Sprinkle with almonds. Bake 25-28 minutes or until deep golden brown. Cut and serve!

Game Review: Ticket to Ride

2009-08-24T07:00:00.002-05:00
Ticket to Ride is a favorite at our house. Here's the description from BoardGameGeek:

With elegantly simple gameplay, Ticket to Ride can be learned in 3 minutes, while providing players with intense strategic and tactical decisions every turn. Players collect cards of various types of train cars they then use to claim railway routes in North America. The longer the routes, the more points they earn. Additional points come to those who fulfill Destination Tickets – goal cards that connect distant cities; and to the player who builds the longest continuous route.

"The rules are simple enough to write on a train ticket – each turn you either draw more cards, claim a route, or get additional Destination Tickets," says Ticket to Ride author, Alan R. Moon. "The tension comes from being forced to balance greed – adding more cards to your hand, and fear – losing a critical route to a competitor."

Ticket to Ride continues in the tradition of Days of Wonder's big format board games featuring high-quality illustrations and components including: an oversize board map of North America, 225 custom-molded train cars, 144 illustrated cards, and wooden scoring markers. Since its introduction and numerous subsequent awards, Ticket to Ride has become the BoardGameGeek epitome of a "gateway game" -- simple enough to be taught in a few minutes, and with enough action and tension to keep new players involved and in the game for the duration.

My Take: Why do I like this game? I think because it's simple and goal-oriented. You have very specific goals--to get the colors of cards to lay down your trains to complete the routes you have on the cards in your hand. Simple. The tension--a bit too much for me sometimes--racing to get a route before someone else does and the frustration when I can't get the color cards I need! One of the drawbacks to this game is that players are so engaged with their cards and routes that they don't engage with each other--it's a very focused game in that way.

I love playing Ticket to Ride Online because the computer shuffles and deals the cards, and it goes so fast! I can play with people all over the world, which is cool, too. Kevin and I have even played it online while in the same house together! Sounds stupid, doesn't it? But we each get on a computer, don't have to set up the game--quick and fun! We can also play when he's out of town for work, and he takes the laptop. We can chat/instant message on the board-game screen, too. You can choose to make a game private, which is nice.

Any questions? Let me know!

Metal Tree Branch

2009-08-23T17:00:00.000-05:00
It may look bizarre, but I like it! I got this metal tree branch at The Mouse. When I brought it home, Kevin said, "Well, I trust you." I think Mackenzie said, "That's kind of weird." Isaak asked last night (after a week of it being on the wall), "What's with the tree branch?"

It's unique. And I've decided that I'm not going to worry whether other people have the same taste as me. Isn't it nice to surround ourselves with things and people we enjoy?

The branch came with little hooks, so that I can hang things from it.
Some ideas I have so far:
ornaments at Christmas
little notes of thanks at Thanksgiving
a sock drier
O.K. I really don't have many ideas. I welcome your suggestions, ideas, and unique possibilities!

Sewing Curtains vs. Hemming Pants

2009-08-22T21:00:00.004-05:00
Well, I shrunk my curtains in the process of redecorating and cleaning my kitchen. I learned a lesson the hard way: always pre-shrink your fabric before sewing. So, the awnings I had made for my windows had to go. Here are some pictures of the old look of my kitchen and the kicker, which I think this is a very bad sign: I MISS IT! I miss my warm yellow walls!

Here are some pictures of the new awnings. The colors are very cute--more versatile than the last fabric.

The green paint is pretty, but not so warm.

I think yellow is my new favorite paint color. This week I'm planning to paint the upstairs spare bedroom yellow, nice and warm. It's called Warm Welcome!
And as for hemming pants--Kevin had to get new pants for work--government-issue, ugly things. After procrastinating all week, I finally hemmed them today. It only took a 1/2 hour, and it was pretty easy. Hemming vs. curtains. I'm starting to think I really don't enjoy sewing much--I just love finished projects

I was terrified I was going to ruin his pants. After cutting off 8 inches and hemming them, I started to panic. I thought, "His legs can't be this short!" But his legs actually are really short, and they turned out great!

ARTigras and the Bird as Bard

2009-08-22T16:30:00.005-05:00
This morning, Mackenzie, Clare and I headed downtown for Rochester's ARTigras. We were hoping to hear some music and maybe see a ballroom dance presentation. Hmmm. Well . . . we got downtown and realized that there was also a city marathon going on. We paid for special-event parking (when we could have just parked for free in the ramp), and then headed for the ballroom dance event. It wasn't exactly what we were expecting. (Clearing throat, here)--there were three couples ballroom dancing in their street clothes and they had all-of-two observers. I guess the city of Rochester wasn't informed about ARTigras. We decided to head back to ARTists village in the park behind the Civic Center. There were about 30 tents/booths set up with local artists selling jewelry, pottery, paintings, all kinds of hand-crafted items. But there weren't a whole lot of shoppers.

I feel sorry for artists. They spend hours and energy creating, but in the long run, often I think it's the act of creating the art is the reward, and unfortunately not many will appreciate the finished product. I felt bad skipping past booths. Perhaps out of pity, I made a purchase at a jewelry booth, a gift for Kevin's mom for her birthday.

One happy discovery we made was the goose outside of the public library. Bird as Bard, Shakespeare themed. Apparently the Rochester Arts Council is sponsoring The Goose is Loose. Since Rochester is famous for its overabundant population of geese, they're having a fun contest. Artists have painted the statues of geese and we can go see all of them and then pay to vote for our favorite online. Well, I don't have to see any more. My favorite is the Bird as Bard! Up in Brainerd where my sister lives they did this last year with Paul Bunyan's ox, Babe. Pretty cool.

I love to feel like I'm part of a community--go to the parades, the festivals, local theatre, all that kind of thing. But it seems like in a city as big as Rochester, we have too many choices. And so people, including me, don't show up for a lot of things. That's kind of sad isn't it? When we lived in Dayton when Kevin was in the Air Force, we spent five years there acting like tourists--we went to EVERYTHING, and that was a lot of fun! Maybe we need to pretend we're tourists here at home.

Next Friday night is the last night of the summer for The Movie at the Barn. They're playing The King and I. Maybe we'll go. Hey, maybe we can all go! Bring your lawn chairs and popcorn!

Kenzie, Clare, and I did have a very nice morning out with gorgeous weather and a pleasant time visiting with the locals and seeing the passion they have for the arts. Bummer--I just realized we missed the storyteller at the amphitheatre this afternoon!

The Geekiest Woman

2009-08-21T07:00:00.001-05:00
A few months ago our friend John said to me, "You're the geekiest woman I know." I think he meant it as a compliment. And I took it as one.

Partly he said it because I had just gotten an iPhone, and I love techy stuff--learning how to use gadgets. But I think he was adding that to my obsession with board games. And not just any ordinary American party board games--but lesser known games played by "gamers." The kind designed and created by Europeans, usually.

It's a bit embarrassing, in a way. I just want to play games! Is it a form of escape? At least it's social, unlike my obsession with reading books.

I installed the app for BoardGameGeek on my iPhone today and catalogued all of our games on it. And it was so satisfying! Not only that, any time we play a game that we own, I can push a button and record that we played it. Aaaaand, I can keep my game wish-list on it! I think this is fun?!

I just found out about a gamers' convention that's taking place in Rochester the last weekend of September. And I really want to go! But I have this fear that I'm going to walk into this room of guys who are all . . . I don't know . . . collectors of comic books and painters of miniature gaming pieces. And they'll look at me and think, "What are YOU doing here?" And I'm afraid I'll be crushed in my favorite games--Agricola, Carcassonne, and Ticket to Ride! But there's the other part of me that says, "That's where I belong." Wanna go with me?

Oh no--I'm supposed to be hemming Kevin's uniform pants and I'm procrastinating! I'd rather play a game! I'm a geeky woman. But don't let anyone know. Shh. It's a secret.

Bargain Makeovers

2009-08-20T12:30:00.004-05:00
One of the many excuses that has kept me from blogging this summer includes repainting and giving our main floor a makeover. A few of my projects involved some very fun bargain pieces from Savers!
This little drawer shelf looked pretty homely in the knick-knack area at Savers. In fact, I noticed it for $8 and said, "No way." But after going to The Mouse the next day and seeing similar items for $40 and more--I ran back to Savers.
I have stashes of paint, so this project was super-inexpensive. I just rubbed a bit of candle wax along the edges first. After the paint dried I took some sandpaper and rubbed at the edges. The wax gave way and voila--a distressed look!

Another bargain at Savers for $7! Once again, pretty homely.

This time I puchased some flat-black spray paint, but did the wax trick again. Unfortunately I finished it with some shellac, which gave it a shiny look. Boo! Hoo! I had to repaint it. I purchased the cute little knobs from Hobby Lobby at 50% off and the overall project only cost about $18! And the plates I wanted to use on that wall fit perfectly on the shelf, which actually had the crevice for plates!

Bella

2009-08-18T16:21:00.007-05:00
Today has been a good day. A fine day. Nothing spectacular. Nothing "wow." It's that I've felt moments today, lived. I went outside to get the mail and I realized that the sun shines. It feels so good. I felt--I noticed--my legs moving. I cut an apple and ate it slowly, just noticing the sound and the taste. Yet, so much of my life, nearly every moment is lost to me. I'm so busy planning the next thing, the next errand, the next week, the next meal, the next, the next.

Today at the book mobile I picked up a movie I'd never heard of before called Bella. I watched it while walking on the treadmill this afternoon. There was something about this movie that just fit so perfectly with my day. There was nothing really very unique about the characters, nothing poetic in their speech--just ordinary people experiencing pain and real life conflict with others. And it was quietly beautiful. I think we watch so many movies with exaggerated drama and bizarre or violent behavior that it's quite unusual to step into a story where humans LOVE other humans. Real life pain and conflict and forgiveness and love make the best stories.

God is after me right now in a new way. It's been this way all week. In the moments where I've been able to take a look, rest my weary mind, and look out and not in, that I've felt overwhelmed by how much I've been missing for a long time, years even. I think this is what REST feels like.

And then I get scared of what I know is coming--the running around, taking the kids to their sports and their lessons and starting school at home. I so desperately want rest--in my mind. In my body. I know it's possible even with day-t0-day routines, but I'm just not good at cultivating it. And I also know it's what I need to really live. Because what I've been doing isn't living. It's been more like surviving.

The Land of Seuss!

2009-07-23T07:55:00.010-05:00
Last night I saw the dress rehearsal of Seussical, and it was AWESOME! I've never really been a Dr. Seuss fan (gasp!), but this show is so fun. I felt like I'd stepped into one of the books. Check it out--Seussical.

Seussical

2009-07-20T09:50:00.007-05:00

Play Synopsis:
In cooperation with the Southeastern Minnesota Arts Council, Inc. through funding from the Minnesota State Legislature. Come join The Cat in the Hat, Horton, Gertrude McFuzz, Mayzie LaBird, and some of your other favorite Seuss characters in the Jungle of Nool. Fanciful costumes and a delightful musical score make this a wonderful show for the entire family.

Performance Details:
July 23, 7pm ,July 24, 7pm , July 25, 2pm and 7pm
Ticket prices $12 adult, $7 student
Performances at Century High School
For tickets call (507) 216-6431 or E-Mail.
Click for More Information

Hey Everyone! Mackenzie, Isaak, and Susi are in Seussical this coming weekend! I know that the prices may seem a bit steep for your family--if you want to come and you just can't justify the money (or you would come, but won't because of the money), please give me a call and we'll work a deal. We want you there no matter what! And we definitely want your children to experience Seussical--they'll love it!

Writer's Pile-Up

2009-06-03T07:57:00.005-05:00
I don't think I have writer's block. I think it's called writer's pile-up. I have thought overload. And sometimes when that happens I can't choose what to focus on. And that's part of the reason I've been gone. There are other reasons, too.

Could I bore you? Yes, I think I could. If I wrote about all the activities that have occupied my time in the past two weeks. Like researching home school curricula for next year, working with my kids' theatre/acting group, dentist appointments, uploading hundreds of pictures to Sam's Club for a photo album for Susi, attending graduation open houses, and such.
I've been scrapbooking. Definition of SCRAPBOOKING: verb. Standing (or sitting) for hours cutting up pictures, arranging them on a page with colorful papers ten different ways before sticking them on, trying to come up with something memorable, witty, or somewhat accurate to write that somehow conveys the importance of such photo-memories like Easter-egg coloring for the 100th year-in-a-row. And after finishing a page that includes 4 pictures (out of a pile of 317) that took 68 minutes to complete, you may step back to admire it or simply think, "That's ugly." What I've accomplished in this area in a week: 120 pages of pictures all journaled. And a sore back.
Reading books. I just finished two books for just me: Jewel and Persuasion. I'm reading Run to discuss with my book club. I'm reading The Battlefield of the Mind to discuss with three friends (we've been conversing by leaving comments on each other's blogs for about a year and decided to have conversations "in real life"). I'm reading Murder at Hazelmoor by Agatha Christie to my family each night before bed, and by-the-by, it's one of the least enjoyable Christie books I've ever read. Thinking about writing book reviews, but not.
I've been watching MASH episodes from Netflix with my family. It's a great opportunity to point out what marital infidelity looks like.
Talking for hours about moving to a different house in town. Kevin is waiting for me to say yes.
Praying.
Note: All sentence fragments were deliberate.

American Idol Winner 2009

2009-05-21T08:38:00.006-05:00

It's over. Kris Allen is the winner of American Idol!

Well, here's the truth. I voted for Kris.

I think Adam is amazing, and he deserved to win, too. But of course, it comes down to preference. I know I'll buy Kris's album.

There is no doubt that Adam will make and sell his music. He has a career in music now.

When it comes to American Idol, just as in "real life," we like the Story--the story of the individual. And we like the idea of the "underdog" coming out on top. The fact that Adam seemed to be such a natural performer, that it seemed like American Idol was simply one step in his inevitable career, made it easier to perceive all the other contestants as underdogs, including Kris. We love that when Kris was announced winner, he looked shocked, almost embarrassed. We like it that he says, "Adam deserved this." We like a surprising journey. Perhaps that's why (with both of them being incredibly talented) Kris won.

Or maybe it's that America really does prefer the "guy next door" over "guy-liner"?

American Idol Top 2 Results

2009-05-13T20:02:00.007-05:00
That was a totally funny beginning with Ben Stiller and other actors from Night at the Museum II.

Noah from Rwanda--that was slightly entertaining. He wants to make an album to help kids with AIDS.

Danny is first--back to hometown Milwaukee. I get choked up when I see the contestants get emotional like Danny did during his parade.

Kris was back in Arkansas. Aww, he said,--"Don't cry, Mama." What a sweet dad, he has!

Jordin Sparks--singing "Battlefield"--that was a boring song--oh man! "Love is a battlefield. Get your armor on." Repeat. No more sweet, innocent image for Jordin. Frowny face.

And now Adam. He acts so unsurprised by all the attention in San Diego. Funny--like he's used to being a star.

Katie Perry--Ewww--weird. Bizarre. I guess I don't have anything else to say.

It's too late for luck, Ryan! Why do you say that!

Kris is in!
Who now . . .
Adam.

Danny is out. Oh, sad.
I hate this part.
Good-bye, Danny. You are really cool.

American Idol Top 3

2009-05-12T19:02:00.020-05:00
Allison went home last week. I'm blogging while watching tonight. So the top three are: Adam, Danny, and Kris!

Paula chose "Dance Little Sister" for Danny. It seems to be a pretty good choice for him. He is certainly a performer--lots of energy! That's what they need tonight if they want to stay in the competition. Hey--Randy is saying what I just did. Paula just slammed Kara--Kara criticized Danny's dancing, and Paula said, "I'm a choreographer, and I thought it was great."

Randy and Kara chose "Don't Apologize" for Kris. Cool--love to see him on the piano. The judges are being pretty critical--I thought it was great. Simon is totally getting under Kara's skin--she can't handle it!

Simon chose "One" by U2 for Adam. Simon didn't do him any favors. I didn't like that.

Danny is singing "You are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. That was very pretty--showed his vocal ability.

Kris is singing "Heartless." Really risky--just Kris and his guitar--no other instruments. Wow--the judges are saying that, too. The judges loved it. I wasn't as into it.

Adam is singing "Crying" by Aerosmith. This was my least favorite performance of his all season. I personally didn't like it even though the judges thought it was "to die for."

I'm not so sure Adam will be in the finals. People have different tastes. I have no doubt he'll make albums, but I think it's anyone's game. I personally would buy the type of music Kris and Danny sing even though I do love rock music.

Recipe for the Non-Gourmet: Broccoli Salad Squares

2009-05-12T01:00:00.005-05:00
Broccoli Salad Squares are a standard appetizer whenever we're hosting company. I find something that's easy and that people love, and I make it over and over again. There's not a whole lot of variety when it comes to food at our house.

Broccoli Salad Squares from Pampered Chef
Ingredients:

1 pkg. (8 oz.) refrigerated crescent rolls
3/4 cup mayonnaise
2 tsp. sugar
1 tsp. white or cider vinegar
1 1/2 cups broccoli "flowerets," chopped
4 slices bacon, crisply cooked and chopped
2 tbls. red onion, thinly sliced and quartered
1/4 cup raisins
1 tbls. sunflower seed kernels
Preheat oven to 350◦F. Unroll crescent roll dough; do not separate. Using slightly floured dough roller, roll out dough on 12"x15" rectangle baking stone to w/in 1 inch of edges of stone. Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven. Cool completely. Mix mayo, sugar, and vinegar; set aside. Chop broccoli and bacon using the FOOD CHOPPER. Cut thin slices of onion into quarters. Spread mayo mixture over top of crust. Sprinkle w/ broccoli, bacon, onion, raisins, and sunflower seeds. Serve RIGHT NOW! or refrigerate for up to 1 hour. Cut into squares with a pizza cutter.
These are a hit, I'm telling you! Delicioso!

My Mommy

2009-05-10T00:15:00.016-05:00

It's Mother's Day, so I want to introduce you to Monica. She was the second oldest of eleven children, and she dropped out of school before 11th grade to become the wife of Doug and the mom of ME!

When I was growing up, people were constantly amazed at how young my mom was--I didn't really think she was that young. She was my mom! It's funny now to think that at the age I am now, my mom already had a daughter (me) celebrating her two-years wedding anniversary.

By the time my mom was 23, she'd had four babies, one who died at birth.
She stayed home with us, which I think was the most sacrificial and positive example for me.
She made homemade, very cute cakes for all of our birthdays.
She painted houses, inside and out, to make money—and she loved doing it!
She babysat teachers' kids during the school year. She LOVES babies.
She got her G.E.D. with no problem when I was in elementary school.
She’s smart. And she has a large vocabulary.
She laughs spontaneously and joyously!
She loves games.
When I was little, the mailman always said, “Hi, Cheryl” because he thought she looked like Cheryl Ladd, the model.
She loves to entertain and plan events.
She’s very creative and a great decorator!
She’s committed to everything she does. Marriage—38 years.
She’s a hard worker.
She's honest.
She selflessly takes care of her parents and her mother-in-law.
She loves to make events special for all of us, and that can be exhausting.
She loves God more than life.
She’s under appreciated—unfortunately.

When she was 18, she made us matching short outfits for my 1st birthday.

Mom at 19.

This might be my favorite picture of her ever! Isn’t she beautiful?

Mom, thank you for your LOVE and commitment to us—to me. Life would have been very different for you if I hadn’t come along. But God had a plan, didn’t he? I needed a mommy. He chose you. Happy Mother’s Day!

Meet My Bro

2009-05-08T09:00:00.022-05:00

This is Keith. Today is Keith's birthday. Keith is 35. Keith is a freak.

This man is so complex. I'm not kidding. Look at these pictures. Does this look like a librarian at Oak Hills Christian College? O.K. I guess he does. But would you guess that he really likes and is good and decorating? Well--yeah--I guess that might be a bit obvious, too. And I just found out another one of his talents (inherited from Mom)--cake designer. Really. I'm not kidding.[CAKE]

When we all get together, we can just about count on him having one of his "attacks." They look like THIS. The reason I was able to get it on video is because once he starts, it'll be awhile before he stops.

His sense of humor . . . hmm. When we were growing up, he had that same crazy laugh, but of course it was the very high voice of a boy--and he used it to drive me insane. Yep. One time when we were in high school and doing dishes together he was teasing me incessantly--and before I could think, I'd punched him in the face. He had a bruise on his cheekbone for a few days.

Famous Family Story: When we were still living at home (Keith, Nikki, and I), one night we were eating supper and the discussion wasn't very uplifting. I don't remember what we were talking about--other people I think. Well, Mom had just happened to do something out of the ordinary that night--she'd tucked a big paper napkin in her shirt. As the conversation went on, Mom said, "Can't you ever say anything nice?" There was a pause. And then Keith said, "Nice napkin, Mom." We laughed so hard--and it's one of those stories that gets us all rolling every time it's told.

Yesterday I called him to tell him about my high blood sugar. Two years ago he was told he had "pre-diabetes." He then proceeded to change his diet and exercise vigorously. He's lost 55 pounds! He's only missed six days of exercise in the last year and a half! Holy cow! And he says he hates exercising. That's commitment. Yesterday he sent me an e-mail to encourage me on this road. The subject line was: Just Say No to Diabetes. One of his veggie recommendations was cowlickflower. He's a silly guy.

Keith and Chris and their children Ethan, Elle, and Emma

Happy Birthday, ma brotha! I love ya!

Lessons in Sewing

2009-05-07T18:13:00.021-05:00

Over spring break, Mackenzie decided she wanted to sew SOMETHING . . . please!

Grandma was here for that weekend, so we went to Joanne's and Kenzie chose a pattern and material and we were off. Grandma taught her how to lay out the fabric and the pattern, but by the time we had cut it out, Grandma had to go home.

Now, I can sew, but I'm not so great at learning new patterns. I usually mutilate the project the first time around. This is an easy pattern, and I made it harder than it really is. Mackenzie did 99% of the actual sewing.

Mackenzie with her adorable home-made bag!

I talked her into using a coordinating fabric on the inside.

See the cute fabrics and antique-brass rings.

The most exciting part was learning how to put in a snap. I found an EXCELLENT tutorial for attaching a magnetic snap. I love people who are willing to share their expertise totally F-R-E-E of charge!

Inside are pockets for a (non-existent) cell-phone and other goodies.

She chose pattern C. I'm thinking about making pattern B up in the right-hand corner.

He's the Master!

2009-05-06T15:48:00.006-05:00
Kevin took his last final last night! He told someone the other night that he was going to wear a patient gown to graduation--and looky-here, I found a cartoon.

No, I will not let him do that--not under his graduation robe, either.

He graduates with his Master's Degree as a Clinical Nurse Specialist this Friday, May 8, in Winona.

I've already noticed some changes in him. He spent all of Saturday afternoon looking at houses with me, and enjoyed it. He's been watching Beast Wars Tranformers reruns. This is relaxation? And he's been cooking meals this week!

He has to take one huge test this summer, but for now--NO MORE HOMEWORK! NO MORE BOOKS! NO MORE TEACHERS' DIRTY LOOKS!

House Browsing

2009-05-05T21:35:00.011-05:00
Maybe some of you remember my list from a few months ago. 112 Things I'd like to do by the end of 2012. Well, #11 was move to a smaller house. The biggest reason for me wanting that is because of cleaning and upkeep of a large house. Not only that, but I see all of it's "flaws," all those things that still could use a face lift. It's simply too much. So, we started looking at houses this week--not super-seriously, mind you--just to see what's out there.

Well, out of the twelve houses that we looked at, only one really seemed worth thinking about. Click this house link to take the tour. We went back for a second look, which took an hour w/ Kevin taking notes. But you know, the funny thing is that once you've lived in a larger house (with four bathrooms to clean, three levels to clean, two guest rooms to clean, etc), it's suddenly easy to come home and say, "I love this place." We've worked so many hours in the past six years to make it comfortable.

The aspects of our house that I've come to (re)appreciate this week:
an abundance of closet space, especially a coat closet (even if my entryway is tiny), a game closet, a huge linen closet, a huge closet under the stairs, etc.

a counter where people can sit up to--over the past six years, every day those stools have been used countless times for gathering to eat or just hang out to talk in the kitchen--I'd miss having that counter.

two family rooms on the main floor--it's amazing how much solitude one can get by simply going into the other room away from people (and not having to go to a basement or bedroom for alone time).

a sliding door off the kitchen--it's so easy to grill and picnic when it's just a few feet away.

a laundry room and kitchen as you come in from the garage--very handy after working outside and getting dirty--a place to wash hands and not have to trek through the house.

the kitchen is right off the garage--I so appreciate that I don't have to lug groceries up a flight of stairs.

guest bedrooms--we have more overnight guests than the average family--and when we have them, we have them in abundance--it's so nice for everyone to be comfy and spread out.

a gas fireplace--I can turn it on ALL BY MYSELF (even if I don't have a remote).

a basement with room to scrapbook, walk on a treadmill, and play ping-pong: this basement has been a sore spot for me more than any part of the house because it lacks windows, it's cold, and the layout is STUPID. (Count your blessings if you GOT to finish your own basement, folks). We can't arrange furniture in any sensible way with the long room and doors all over the place. So, we may have to knock out some walls and build new ones to make it more practical/usable.

a big yard and fabulous patio for playing four-square (which you can expect to play if you come over)--we've had lines as long as fifteen people waiting to play.

our neighbors--our bestest friends live behind us--it's pretty easy to walk over at 10:00 pm and sit on the deck and hangout out a balmy summer evening, not to mention driving around the block on winter nights.
I'm grateful for this house, for our home. But if the perfect! little house comes along, I'll be calling the realtor!
I'd love to live on a street with a nice name, a cute name like River Court, and not on a boring numbered street. Is that too much to ask?

American Idol Top Four

2009-05-05T20:04:00.001-05:00

I’ve decided that next year I’m not going to blog about Idol every week—it just gets a bit tedious.

Tonight is Rock & Roll night with Slash as the guest mentor. I don’t even know who he is, which reveals where my music tastes DON’T lie.

Adam: Wow—it’s hard to believe he hasn’t already become famous on his own. He makes it seem so effortless. Simon was right that no one will be as good after his performance.

Allison: Very good, although I didn’t know the song. I think she has a lot of confidence.

Kris: I love the Beatles. I liked it—it was a solid performance. I don’t agree with Kara—she said it wasn’t a great performance—what was wrong with it? The judges were really hard on him.

Danny: I liked most of it, but I don’t think he hit the scream at the end. I like his purple shirt and black vest and big ol’ necklace.

Duets:

Danny and Kris sang “Renegade”—I loved the harmonies. Before Simon said it, I did—Danny sounded much better than Kris.

Adam and Allison sang “Slow Ride”—they sang nicely together, but I liked the way the other two harmonized.

Who’s in trouble tomorrow? I have no idea. I think Adam is safe.

So Tell Me . . .

2009-04-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to change your name or your kids' names?

American Idol Top Five Results

2009-04-29T20:54:00.002-05:00

The top five are performing a big-band two-song arrangement—very nice. I love this genre!
A huge food fight between contestants was caught on camera this past week—that is totally funny!
They’re dividing them into groups now. Adam has to choose which two people to go with—Allison and Danny OR Kris and Matt. Normally the contestant sits down and won’t choose. What will Adam do? He’s choosing Danny and Allison! He chose the right two—because they’re the top two! And Adam? He’s in the bottom three, but it’s possible that he’s also in the top three—who knows? Interesting!
Natalie Cole is singing “Something’s Gotta Give.” She doesn’t sound all that professional to me. Didn’t care for that. She sure is a classy woman, though.
Taylor Hicks is singing tonight. He looks and sounds good! That was really great—I like it a lot! Wow—and the judges stood to clap—I don’t think they did that last time he was on.
Who’s joining Allison and Danny? Kris!!! Adam is in the bottom two. I didn’t see that coming.
And now Jamie Foxx is singing “Blame It.” Weird. I can’t believe this has won awards. And it’s #1 in America? Not impressed. The judges just stand for everyone, nowadays, I guess. Jamie sure has nice things to say about the contestants—and he’s so sincere in his praises.
Matt got the lowest votes. Well, I did predict that one. Bye, Matt!

Susi's Baptism

2009-04-29T11:11:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, April 19, Susi was baptized by Pastor Nate. It's been so cool for our family to be part of her journey of faith. Here she is telling her STORY. Yay!!
For those of you who don't know, Susi has been living with us since August. She's an exchange student from Germany.

American Idol Top Five

2009-04-28T20:03:00.003-05:00

I’m watching AI while blogging tonight. This week highlights songs from the Rat Pack—Big Band standards! Mackenzie and I are so excited! Their mentor this week was Jamie Foxx—weird.
Well, this week I’m the fifth judge.
Kris: “The Way You Look Tonight.” Very charming and smooth, easy sound. Loved the falsetto at the end. Beautiful job, Kris! Your wife is probably scared to death with all of your admirers. Yikes.
Allison: “Someone to Watch Over Me.” Allison, I’d love to hear you sing more songs like this—wow! Very pretty—I loved it. This is my favorite performance of yours ever. And you looked so pretty tonight—what a darling dress. And you are likeable, Allison! I’d buy your album if you had songs like this.
Matt: “My Funny Valentine.” Matt, I didn’t think this was a very good song choice—it didn’t show off your voice very much. I really didn’t love it. I think you missed your opportunity to engage a lot of viewers. Maybe it just sounded too old fashioned (and I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl). I really agree with Randy. I think you’re in trouble.
Danny: “Come Rain or Come Shine.” I was waiting for you to let loose at the end—and you finally did—that was the best part! I think you needed to connect a little more in the first part (regardless of what Randy said). I liked the swagger, too. It was one of my favorites from you ever!
Adam: “Feeling Good.” “He’s going to knock everybody’s head off,” said Jamie Foxx—that was funny. I love this song—normally. I would have liked to see you sing this song more traditionally, Adam. I liked it, and it was entertaining, and you made it your own. It was a bit too theatrical. But you’re going to be star.
This was my favorite show of the season—great performances and songs! No one really deserves to go, but I think Matt is going.

Easter

2009-04-24T01:29:00.007-05:00

We had a nice Easter in South Sioux City, Nebraska, visiting my parents--Grandpa and Grandma. They purchased some take-out-of-the-package cookies, which the kids had a fun time decorating. We colored eggs, which is our annual tradition, and the kids received Easter baskets, another tradition. But for the first time ever, there was no Easter egg hunt. The kids said--"Nah--we don't need it," and I was so relieved. I'm kind of a one-woman show when it comes to holiday planning, shopping, and implementing, and it just gets to be tiring after awhile. Do I sound like a stick-in-the-mud? I don't mean to be. Maybe my husband has the right attitude about holidays--who needs all the fuss? I'm hoping to avoid a lot of fuss this coming Christmas. I say that every year, but I really mean it this time!

Mom's Bragging Rights

2009-04-23T11:00:00.001-05:00
Is it O.K. if I brag on my kids a little bit? I'm so proud of them. When I was a young teenager, I was so terrified of looking stupid or getting up in front of people. It's so fun to see Mackenzie and Isaak learn and practice and create--and most of the time they're pretty entertaining! So, in honor of my aspiring actors, musicians, and writers, here's a gallery of their "stuff." Thanks for stopping by for this "Mom's Bragging Rights" moment.

EXHIBIT A: Youth Group had a "Make Your Own Movie" night last week, and the kids and their friends spent hours working on their films. Enjoy!

EXHIBIT B: Mackenzie and Isaak have been taking PIANO lessons for several years. (Recitals make them a bit nervous, so there were a few more mistakes than normal--oh well).

EXHIBIT C: Leadership using their talents. This summer, Mackenzie will be Stage Managing the play "You Can't Take It With You." This is a huge task--and she gets to learn more about the details of theater-production, which is one of her passions. Also, they'll be performing in the musical "Seussical." You will all have to come! Isaak has been part of a worship team called UPRISING on Sundays this year, so here's a video of him filling in for the high school worship team. Plus Isaak's band (don't get me wrong--that just means the band that Isaak is a part of) So Much for Sleep performed three times last Friday at the Kellogg Middle School Talent Show and were awesome! They've also been loving their choir called Rondo.

EXHIBIT D: Mackenzie and Isaak have been writing TONS this year (of course it wasn't their choice), but they're becoming quite skilled WRITERS for middle schoolers! Check it out at A Jar of Marbles. And Mackenzie and a couple of friends have created personas and are writing letters to each other using those characters--pretty fun way to come up with creative writing all on their own. And Isaak has been keeping up on his own blog Bormik's Bright Ideas, which I think is pretty impressive for a thirteen-year old boy! Check it out sometime and leave him some comments--I want to nourish his writing pursuits!

American Idol Top 7 Results (Again)

2009-04-22T22:15:00.007-05:00
Well, my predictions were correct this time--Lil and Anoop were bottom two. But I was wrong about Matt. Allison keeps winding up in the bottom three.

I LOVED their group performance tonight--the dancing and 70's costumes were awesome! That would be so hard to learn in two days. I couldn't do it in two weeks--I'm just not designed to move quickly with coordinated movements. I was a rotten cheerleader.

I also really enjoyed David Archuleta, even though the song he sang didn't showcase his beautiful voice.

How about those ~~old~~ classic disco stars? I was so embarrassed watching them. The first woman needed a slip on under her skin-tight dress. She should only dance like that in that kind of outfit when she's alone in the privacy of her own home. Ewww. And the woman in the yellow dress--yikes--the top part was definitely made for someone much smaller.

That reminds me--I asked Mackenzie about an accessory I was thinking about purchasing for myself and she said, "No. There comes a point when dressing too young makes you look bad." Well, I know that, but I really thought I could get away with a funky belt, of all things! Sigh . . .

American Idol Top 7 (Again)

2009-04-22T06:59:00.014-05:00

Kris

Well, since Matt was saved by the judges last week, we have a top 7 again. Last night was disco theme.
I must say, no one blew me away. The judges were gaga over Adam. I liked it. Yeah, I liked it. I really like his clean-cut look with the suit, too.
The judges were pretty hard on Matt, but I really liked his performance of "Staying Alive" and his look.

Kris did a nice job, but it was my least favorite performance of his--I was actually surprised at how positive the judges were. I do like him lots still!

They were really really hard on Lil. I agree with them that it was no good, but their feedback stinks. They keep telling her that she needs to be an artist, she needs to decide who she is, etc. The problem is that they put her through and she isn't that good. And now they just need to say, "I didn't like it." I think something that would alleviate problems for contestants who don't know how to pick the right songs would be for the judges to suggest a song for them if the contestant chooses. Why not?

Anoop did a nice job, but I was bored. Forgetable.

Randy thought Allison's performance/song whatever was self-indulgent--weird. They tell them to act like a star, be confident, wow us. I'm glad the other judges had nice things to say. I didn't love the song, though, but her performance was very good.

I thought Danny picked the perfect song for him. No mistakes there--but I do think he needs to do something really amazing--I'm not sure what--I'll know it when I hear it/see it!

Next week I'm going to attempt to be more constructive with this post--I'll have to blog while I watch the show!

Bottom three: Matt, Lil, and Anoop. Bottom two: Lil and Anoop.